Choose. Choose Now!

If a book were to be published with two different covers, which one would you choose. A or B?




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Earplug Aftermath (part 20)

Whether Roger the Rubber Bung was correct or not, one absolute fact continued to remain unknown to anyone –  with the exception of Mister Zinc, his girlfriend and cronies, and of course his puppet master – the Red-Eyed Sentinel robot of course – and it was that Mr Zinc was busy at work continuing his task of random abductions.

zinc& blue capture trumptations

For example he’d just abducted a very confused pair of Trumptations.


zinc and blue at control panel

…he spent an inordinate amount of his time looking at CCTV footage so that he could grab his next victim without anyone noticing.

He was also on the look-out for new technology to help his cause…

zinc with transporter ring 2

“What’s this piece of shit supposed to be?” His grouchy henchman grumbled when he saw the faintly glowing golden ring.

“According to the mysterious note that came with it in the Museum of Future Technology’s internal mail, it’s an ‘Earplug Trans-locating Ring’.” Mr Zinc replied. “Gustav will operate the controls now.”

As Gustav flicked the power control…

dec14a 009

…Grouchy grew even more convinced that the device was a hoax.

“Crap.” He announced. “What was wrong with the good old Head-Sucker? It worked just fine.”

Then something  surprising happened…

henchman beamed into suspension

“Fuck me sideways.” Grouchy exclaimed. “How’d I get up here in this hitherto unused Suspended Animation Bank?”

Whilst Mister Zinc continued his experimentation, Los Tapones De España were also hard at work – repairing Eyewash Station…

tapones on gilrs climbing wall

They fixed the Ladies Climbing Wall. And…

tapones in press

…a rusty old machine of torture. And…

tapon on pathfinder

…the Pathfinder, which pleased a passing SubRoboSecGua inordinately.

And they were all thrilled when The Oracle came back to life…

tapones & oracle 1

“What is your name?” Dexter asked it experimentally.

The Oracle had to think about that.

“Are testicles the fountain of all knowledge?” It asked.

“No.” Enrique told it. “They are appendages that hurt like glory when kicked or slapped.”

“In that case I am The Oracle.” The Oracle replied.

And everybody cheered uproariously.

But later, whilst in the course of their self-imposed duties, Dani and Carlos discovered two long grey things. Unfortunately they were earplug traps, and almost immediately they had become the prisoners of a Zinc henchman and a hired thug.

two los tapones snared

In the Security Suite RoboSecGua had become aware that customer numbers were dropping, and that several staff were not at their work stations.

robos realise that everyone is gone

After discussing the subject with his subordinates, he decided to visit…

robo arrives from elevator

…the Curator’s control room, which he found to be…

robo finds curators absent

...deserted. So he did what any chief of security would do:

robo uses omniprsenece scanner

He hopped aboard the Omnipresent Scanner, and was horrified when he saw…

suspended animationbank 20

…first Mister Zinc giving instructions to his underlings. Then…

ear plug in sucky thing at bank 20

…an Earplug being delivered to a Suspended Animation Bank by a huge Head-Sucker.

Oh that’s good. Maybe RoboSecGua can race to the rescue in the nick of time. Return, why don’t you, to find out what happens next.

© Tooty Nolan


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A Pricked Prick Caption

lone ranger

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Earplug Aftermath (part 19)

Of course Wonky had heard of Doctor Snippentuck: who hadn’t? He was famous throughout the entire Museum of Future Technology for his fabulous gender reassignment.


“What the fuck can Snippy do for me?” Wonky complained. “I don’t have a gender to reassign!”

Both Poppy and Princess Agatha seized upon the subject:

“But he can create wonderful approximations of naughty bits.” Poppy enthused.

“Willies and minges!” Princess Agatha added.

“Oh I’d just adore a minge.” Poppy enthused some more. “All of those labia and stuff: it’d be like living a dream. Let’s go there now!”

Wonky found himself caught up in the excited spirit of the moment, and soon…

wonky & android walk girls to snippentucks,

…he, Android, Poppy, and Princess Agatha were racing along like a bunch of loonies in pursuit of an ice cream van.

Upon arrival they discovered Doctor Snippentuck most accommodating, particularly since he already had two patients prepped for their gender reassignment operations.

“Come in. Come in.” Doctor  Snippentuck said as he invited them into the operating theatre.

wonky & co enter operating theatre

Android felt uncomfortable, and Doctor Snippentuck’s assistant, Thelma, appeared shocked by his behaviour.

“What are you doing, you money-grabbing bastard?” She bellowed. “Mandy and Candy can’t wait too long: the anesthetic will wear off.”

“I’ll just need five minutes and a credit card reader.” Doctor Snippentuck replied. “If anyone wakes up, offer them a cup of tea and a biscuit. Not a chocolate one though: they’re mine.”

So thirty seconds later Doctor Snippentuck began his usual tests. He stepped behind the Magnetic Field Imagizor.

magnetic field imagizor

Reluctantly Thelma joined him. Only then could the tests commence.

android girl tested for charisma

They soon discovered that Poppy had a weak personality quotient, which Snippentuck assured them was a good thing.

Then he tried the anal core test…

android girls with tube up ass

…which proved that both Poppy and Princess Agatha were more than capable of being converted into proper females.

“Great,” Wonky said as the tests concluded, “but what about me and Android?”

snipentuck offers to swap penises

“No problem at all.” The reply came from Thelma. “As biological androids you have no natural immune system. Your immune system was designed by intelligent Earplugs, and as such it is vastly superior and infinitely variable. In short, you two are perfect for organ transplants.”

“You mean…?” Wonky stumbled verbally.

“Yes,” Candy called from inside the operating pod, “you’re going to get our private parts. It should save the good doctor a fortune in cultures, growth mediums, and nutrient baths. And it’ll save so much time!””

“Used penises? Second-hand balls?” Wonky roared as best an android can when not engaged on the field of battle. “But I wanted new ones.”

But even as he complained he could also see the logic of the situation.

“Well I suppose it isn’t  such a terrible idea.” He said as he acquiesced. “I don’t suppose they were used that much…”

Meanwhile Charles and Rikki had taken Shat and Beeki Spitoon to the concert hall. It was there that they were to perform their fund-raising concert. Before long the combination of powerful wine and an insistent groove had everyone ‘getting down’.

concert audience grows

Even the press arrived to take photographs…

concert begins

But as the show concluded, something startling occurred…

concert is shaken

The whole place shook itself stupid, and no one could see properly.

Even the Rubber Bungs who were using the back door to gain entry…

rubber bungs use back door

…felt it.

“Oh, Roger,” the brown female squealed, “that very nearly made me shit in my pants. What do you think it was?”

Roger shrugged his shoulders as they pushed inside the tiny arched door.

“How would I know, Leslie?” He replied. “Am I an aficionado of the science-fiction genre?”

“You know all about ray guns and hyper-drives.” Leslie spoke haughtily. “I thought a huge, eye-boggling rumble would have been bread and cheese to you.”

Roger was excellent at seeing his wife’s point of view.

“Of course; silly me.” He said. “I expect it was a time storm.”

A time storm? That doesn’t sound good. Check out the next episode to see if this story line continues, or a completely new one supplants it.

©Tooty Nolan


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Progress: It’s All About Size

Recently the company for which I labour decided to clear out its ‘museum’. One particular exhibit caught my eye because a colleague was wrapping it in preparation for transportation to a ‘proper’ museum in another part of England. When I say ‘it’, what I mean is ‘they’, because this potentially simple device is actually made up of three pieces. And here it is…

dictaphone 2

Using a rotating wax cylinder and a stylus the Boss will dictate a letter by speaking into the horn. The cylinder is then placed on to this…

dictaphone 3

…for an underling to listen to, and type up or write as a letter.


Then, so that the cylinder isn’t wasted, a third component smooths out the wax, and effectively erases the message. Clever stuff in 1930. Now we can do it on an MP3 player, of course. But will some museum in the future have an exhibit of a Philips Go-Gear? I think not.

But what prompted me to help my colleague pack the Dictaphone safely into its crate was the name of the museum to which it was being given. Lincoln’s Museum of Technology. Oh so close to my Earplug’s Museum of Future Technology, don’t you think?  

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Wallpaper 103: A Job Half Done

a job half-done

The job did get finished, and very nice it was too – in two shades of duck egg blue.

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Earplug Aftermath (part 18)

Now that he was no longer a wonky android, Wonky had a real spring in his step as he went in search of his android buddy, the unimaginatively named Android. He found him with Pilot as they fettled the Turquoise Sky Surfer…

wonky chats beside turtquoise surfer

“Holy shit,” Pilot said from the upper surface of the Turquoise Sky Surfer, “if you had tits I swear I’d fondle them!”

“Thank you.” Wonky replied politely. “I do look rather nice, don’t I!”

wonky visits turqouise surfer

Had Android been anything other than an android he would probably gasped his last. He was just so shocked.

“You know what this means, don’t you?” He said to Wonky.

Wonky had no idea to what his chum referred.

“I’m sorry, chum.” He replied. “I have no fucking idea to what you refer.”

Android almost smiled when he said:

“We can go down to Glazed Park. It’s where all the guys and gals meet up. We can pull the birds, chat-up the chicks; invite some female androids for a cup of coffee.”

So before long…

wonky & android meet girls

…Wonky and Android found themselves in Glazed park’s tiny central garden, where by chance they encountered Poppy and Princess Agatha.

“Which one of you is Poppy?” Wonky inquired as they strolled upon a charming cobbled section of walkway.

wonky & android walking in park with girls

“Me.” An android with a huge pale blue mouth said. “The one who looks like she’s sucking a wasp is Princess Agatha.”

“Are you a real princess? Android asked her.

“Oh-no.” Princess Agatha replied in a frightfully cultured voice. “I’m entirely artificial.”

Meanwhile the Robot Ticket Collector had been informed that the Museum of Future Technology was at patron capacity, and that the doors must be locked to any newcomers.


The timing of the instruction couldn’t have been miss-timed better, because two new arrivals had…er...arrived at the main entrance.

rubber bungs denied access

“We’re shut.” It said loudly. “Fuck off.”

“But we’ve come such a long way.” The small brown being complained. “We’re exhausted.”

“Our feet hurt like buggery.” The taller white creature added. “We’re Rubber Bungs. We need a drink to lubricate our body parts. I also have the desire to excrete mightily.”

“Oh, how apt,” The Robot Ticket Collector looked down at its ‘victims’ with a metallic sneer, “coz all I can say to that is, tough shit.”

wonky & android walking in park with girls flipped

Far away, in a place right across the museum, Wonky, Android, Princess Agatha, and Poppy were ‘getting on like a house on fire’.

“I wish we were real boys and girls.” Princess Agatha said during a lull in their ceaseless act of mass communication. “Then we could do boy and girl sorts of things.”

Wonky nodded agreement.

“What – like hop-scotch and listening to records?” He inquired.

“I think what she means is,” Poppy spoke on behalf of her hesitant friend, “that she’d like to try kissing and all that sort of stuff.”

“Breast fondling!” Android exploded. “I’ve heard all about it. I’d really like to give it a try!”
Wonky was instantly enamoured with then idea. But then a thought struck so hard that he almost fell over backwards.

“But we don’t have the accoutrements!” He wailed. “For us fondling must always remain a frustrating mystery.”

“Tish and tosh.” Android dismissed Wonky’s plaintive whine with two meaningless words. “Have you never heard of Doctor Snippentuck?”

What’s this – more good news? Things are bout to turn to rat-shit soon. Tune in again to find out when and how.

© Tooty Nolan


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