Portrait Gallery 13: Willow Saplings in Monochrome

This picture isn’t so much black and white; more shades of grey. A bit 1940-ish, I thought.

willows in monochrome

The Ear Plugs Day Out (part 16)

Once they’d placed some distance between themselves and Mister Pong’s Exotic Restaurant, they gave their earlier misbehaviour not one moment’s thought, and duly went about their separate ways in the Museum of Future Technology.

Magnuss discovered an advanced form of anti-motion sickness relief, and quickly became airborne once more, where he could grin inanely at his brothers as they milled about uncertainly below him.

magnuss flies over brothers

Then he swooped out through an open fire vent and lit the afterburners…

magnuss launches jet pack

After watching Magnuss disappear from view, Rudi had an idea…

“Say, Valentine.” He began, “Remember that hangar with the flying saucer inside?”

It was a rhetorical question, and Valentine knew it:

“Yeah,” he replied, “what about it?”

Rudi then told him that he’d spotted another hangar nearby, and suggested that they visit it. So they did…

blue hangar

“Hmm,” Valentine said, “blue. That’s a boy’s colour, isn’t it, Rudi?”!

Rudi was about to reply, when suddenly the lighting altered subtly…

pink hangar

“Hmm,” Valentine said, “pink. That’s a girl’s colour, isn’t it, Rudi?”

Then to confirm this hypothesis, two girls appeared beside them.

girls appear

They were standing in hover bowls, and as one they said, “Hello, boys; let’s adjourn to the outside air.”

So  moments later all four ear plugs stood outside the hangar.

outside hangar

The boys weren’t particularly well-versed in the ways of female-dom – having no sisters, and all being graduates from a single-sex school. They didn’t believe in girl friends either, especially after their mother had run off with a lesbian chimney sweep.

Valentine had managed to glean some information concerning female ear plugs though…

“I think they’ve got sort of inside-out willies.” He whispered discretely to Rudi.

“Yeah,” Rudi whispered back, “with lumps on their chests. I think they’re called hooters.” 


wah hey

But any further discussion was interrupted when the prettier female ear plug said, “Hi, I’m Wah Hey. I expect you’re wondering why my sister and I are standing in these hover bowls.”

Actually Rudi wasn’t: he was wondering if Wah Hey’s hooters honked when she squeezed them.

you wah

“It’s because,” the second sister said, “were lazy bitches who like to fill their faces all day long, watch TV, and do fuck-all exercise. If you’re wondering – my name is Yu Wah, and I’m officially obese.”

Both Rudi and Valentine were surprised at this revelation.

“But you’re not fat.” Rudi stated bluntly. “In fact you’re border-line  skinny.”

“We have liposuction for breakfast.” Wah Hey explained. “It keeps us looking fit and sexually alluring.”

“Talking of which,” Yu Wah took up the conversation again, “how would you two like to come back to our place for an exhausting session of you-know-what?

Both Rudi and Valentine understood implicitly, but found themselves in a quandary that was deep and filled with mollassus.

“Well I’m not sure…” Valentine began.

“Nonsense.” Yu Wah overrode him. “I’ve seen CCTV footage of you shorting out the power plant. I’ve seen your dangly bits; and quite frankly I want some!”

Well with that sort of argument, the boys could do little than to agree wholeheartedly, and soon the girls were showing them a secret back way to their pad…

travel belt

It was so secret that not another living soul stirred as they travelled along the futuristic perambulatory belt.

Oh dear, what’s going to happen to Rudi and Valentine. You just know it isn’t  going to be rampant rumpy-pumpy. Check out episode 17 to learn the truth.

© Tooty Nolan


Paul Trevor Nolan – available at Sainsburys? Surely not!

Surely yes. My e-books are actually available on-line at Britain’s second-largest retailer. You can see for yourself by visiting Sainsburys. How bizarre…

Silent Resistance final cover

What’s In a Name?

For a couple of years now I’ve been producing books using a variety of pen names. My reasoning was that since I was writing in four different styles – aimed at slightly different audiences, I didn’t want people buying the ‘wrong’ book. For example a Tooty Nolan book is a touch too rude for children, whereas a Thunderclap Nolan book is fine. And so it is with my Paul Trevor Nolan and Clive Thunderbolt books. The first is family friendly. The second contains a degree of adult themes that precludes youngsters. But recently I’ve grown a bit bored with all this demarcation. I figure if I wrote the damned book, then it ought to bear my name upon the cover. Well to a point anyway. So I’ve come to the decision to reduce four to two. Tooty will continue as the ‘comedy’ writer, and Paul Trevor will be responsible for the ‘serious’ stuff. I’ll just have to make sure that the books are targeted properly, with warnings about content in  the blurb. The first step has been taken. Although the Clive Thunderbolt version of Captive Echo will remain available until the major outlets (like Amazon, Barnes & Noble, etc) make the ‘new’ version available, Lulu.com now list this book at the ‘proper’ version of the book.

captive echo 2014 pocket book cover

So screw Clive Thunderbolt – it was a daft name anyway. Now it’s a Paul Trevor Nolan book, it’s a whole lot better to read too!

Present Imperfect will follow shortly.

P.S It’s also in paperback form too!



The Ear Plugs Day Out (part 15)

The problem alluded to in the previous episode  was that the process of law and order broke down within the massive confines of the Museum of Future Technology because the SubRoboSecGuas who kept such watchful eyes upon the visiting ear plugs had heard RoboSecGua’s plaintive whistling, and had raced from their appointed patrol stations to assist their chief…

here come the robos

…even though they had no idea that he was still chasing EvilRoboSecGua through some of the darkest recesses of the vast edifice…

robo chase through shadows

The Ear Plug Brothers, meanwhile had returned to the concessions area where the stove pipe hatted hover mat vendor plied his wares. There they found several identical ‘shop’ pods, one of which was a modern take on the classic French pissoire

pong welcomes

Mister Pong stood welcomingly outside his Exotic Food restaurant. Unfortunately the Ear Plug Brothers misidentified his emporium – and desperate for a modern piss, entered  without checking first.

entering pissoire

Unfortunately they continued to mis-identify the restaurant, and made a rather unpleasant mess of the flooring and flower arrangements.

“These French urinals are very ornate.” Miles observed.

“Too fancy for me.” Chester agreed. “That Marigold just tickled my scrotum.”

And they continued to remain unaware of their error even when they noticed the distinct lack of plumbing…

smelly pissoire

…and Miles had to dash outside in search of fresh air.

“These French sure got a lot to learn about public hygiene.” He grumbled.

Only when Mister Pong exploded with rage and indignation did the penny finally drop, and they fled in fear of their lives.

spilling out ofpongs

So Mister Pong went from being very smiley faced – to this…

pissed off pong

But that wasn’t the end of it – oh no…

pong  becomes the persecutor

…because he put on his hat, and became…Pong the Persecutor!

Oh shit, what will happen now? Watch out for episode 16 to find out!

© Tooty Nolan



Hamster-Sapiens: a Forgotten Series?

 I haven’t written any new Hamster-Sapiens stuff for yonks now, and understandably I’ve been promoting my serious science-fiction mysteries instead. So just to redress the balance slightly, here’s a tiny snippet from Danglydong Dell Diaries.

danglydong 2013 cover 

Don’t those clouds look like fluffy pillows in the sky?” Joan mused whilst navigating a gentle descent. “I could just fall into them, and sleep forever.”

Primrose hadn’t spoken for hours, but something in Joan’s words broke her out of her apparent reverie. “What’s that?” She snapped. “Sleep forever?”

Then she braked unexpectedly, and slithered to a halt. The others were slow to react, and it took them a few moments to backtrack to where she stood – staring at an apparently endless vista.

“When did we last sleep?” She demanded.

The others looked amongst themselves; opened their mouths several times; but found themselves unable to answer.

“Dunno.” Dung said finally.

“Correcto!” Primrose snapped her fingers directly in front of the ugly sod’s miserable face. “We don’t know. In other words we haven’t slept at all. Since that is patently impossible I put forward this premise for your scrutiny. This doesn’t exist.” Her tiny arms tried to embrace the scene before them. “Not any of it. It is unreal – all of it.”

“Si, I understand you, shape-shifter.” Brother Alfonso’s eyes lit up with understanding. “It is a figment of our collective imagination.”

“What?” Primrose snapped as she turned a disapproving glare upon her huge friend. “Of course it isn’t, you Spanish twat. It’s not our imagination at all. The vile Arthur Dung doesn’t have an imagination – except when it comes to Horatio Horseblanket, and what he’d like to do to the charming lad. And, sorry Joan, but your mother is as daft as a tartan turd: She couldn’t possibly have imagined this harsh landscape. No – this is the figment of someone’s imagination alright: But it isn’t ours.”

Joan sighed. It was a sigh that came desperately close to accepting defeat. “Tybrow Mooney.” She said quietly.

Primrose was about to confirm this hypothesis, when she was rudely interrupted by a gap forming in the cloud cover. She was even more rudely interrupted when a huge dirigible began to descend through it.

Brother Alfonso dropped to his knees. “Surely we are dead.” He cried out as he made the sign of The Wheel with his paws. “This ‘thing’ can only be some manifestation of either the Rim – or possibly the Hub. Well one of the two!”

“Or one of them uppy-uppy balloony things.” Brenda countered.

“A dirigible!” Joan shouted in excitement. “Alfonso – don’t you recall how I told you about that time when I visited Marmota España?”

“Si, I remember.” Brother Alfonso spoke as he clambered to his feet, and put away his fear. “You went to the holiday resort of Bunnidorm, where you learned to drink warm ale, sing karaoke, wear silly hats with lewd comments printed upon them, and flash your breasts. So what?”

©Paul Trevor Nolan


The Ear Plugs Day Out (part 14)

Sadly, when Rudi had used the education device, he’d not bothered to remain in it long enough to learn that when one pressed the ‘Go’ button of a flying saucer, the operation automatically opened a trapdoor that emptied the contents of the latrine. Although all aboard the saucer had been machine intelligences, and the latrine had been entirely empty of nasty ka-ka; it had actually contained several warrior robots that couldn’t fit inside any of the other ‘rooms’. As a result, five of them had tumbled out before the saucer launched, and immediately went upon a raiding party. Soon they’d rounded up several ear plugs, and now held them as prisoners of war…

robos surround earplugs 1

Fortunately Rudi figured this out because his intelligence had been temporarily enhanced, and so went in search of the sub-space vacuum nul-generator plant that powered the Museum of Future Technology.

r&v over powerplant

“Here it is, Valentine, my poor slow-witted sibling.” He said knowledgeably, “This will solve the problem of the rogue warrior robots.”

Valentine didn’t understand, so Rudi took him for a closer look…

r&v look inside powerplant

“I think it’s best we wear our cossack hats.” Rudi told Valentine. “They could protect us from stray sparks and stuff.”

Valentine was worried. “What stray sparks and stuff?” He inquired.

“The sparks and stuff that will erupt from the machine when we short it out.” Rudi explained. “The robots require broadcast power to operate: we knock out the power; we knock out the robots.”

Valentine didn’t feel any better for the explanation.

“How do we short it out?” He asked.

“The only reliable way.” Rudi answered. “We just add water. So come on, Val, get your willy out.”

Well despite his better judgement Valentine did as his brother had instructed, and before long this happened…

r&v rescue earplugs 1

The crowd were ecstatic.

“Hoorah for Valentine’s willy!” They cried.

And a reporter from the local paper quickly snapped a few pictures for posterity. And all would have been well except…

arrow points

…the Desk Sergeant of the local police station had gone in search of his missing officer, and when he spotted Magnuss he made a bee-line for him – with menaces.

“Shit!” Magnuss screamed, and took off like a scalded dick. Naturally the Desk Sergeant went in pursuit…

plain of light police chase

Magnuss chose to lead the Desk Sergeant across the Plain of Light. He had good reason for this: it was the shortest route to where the brothers had left their hover mats leaning against a bicycle rack.

police chase on hover mat

What he hadn’t reckoned with however was the Desk Sergeant’s skill aboard a hover mat, and soon the officer of the law was closing upon his quarry.

“I’m gonna kick your bollocks into next week!” He threatened loudly.

This utterance was a spur for Magnuss. The high levels of panic-juice that coursed through his brain gave him inspiration, and he delved into his underpants to extract…

police hover mat invisible

…Wank the Space Wanderer’s Cloak of Invincibility. Confused and confounded the Desk Sergeant parked his hover mat, and walked disconsolately back to the station – defeat written in bold print across his stupid face.

So once again everything appeared to be fine. But…

So now what’s happened? See Episode fifteen to find out.

© Tooty Nolan