Earplug Adventures: Worstworld (part 10)

Meanwhile, out in the depths of interplanetary space, Ship Number Fifteen had come to a dead stop…

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Its neutrino drive could do no more than cough, burp, splutter, and produce the occasional faster-then-light fart…

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Of course the crew worked feverishly upon the repairs; but Captain Horatio Noseblower had greater concerns than a recalcitrant space drive: he didn’t know where they were, so he had no idea in which direction to point the ship when repairs were complete. Cushions Smethwyke intimated that he was an arse hole. She also suggested that he should launch a long-range probe.

“Who knows,” she said, “it might even find something out there.”

So he did…

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For week upon week he followed its progress across the cosmos as it sent back a continuous stream of data and pictures. He witnessed its every encounter, which included huge suns…

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It passed by binary systems around which planets were constantly being pulled out of shape by tidal forces, then squashed back together by gravity.

“That sounds rather like my testicles,” the First Officer informed Noseblower. “When I’m riding my exercise bike.”

The probe passed by a red super-giant star…

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…that was so ancient that it had swollen up to consume whatever planets had ever orbited it.

“Don’t tell me.” Noseblower said to his First Officer. “It reminds you of your nipples – after you’ve run a marathon.”

It even passed by some seriously strange planetary shit that no one could readily identify, but which looked a bit bloated.

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“By the Saint of All Earplugs,” Cushions verbally exploded, “that looks like my ears feel after that devil-may-care Hunting Provost has ridden me all ’round my quarters!”

Then, just as despair threatened to overwhelm him, Captain Noseblower saw this…

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It was a beautiful blue world, which could mean only one thing: the possibility of life!”

By coincidence the neutrino drive chose that moment to come back on-line…

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Five minutes later, this…

15 in space

…became this…

hyper drive

And everyone cheered as…

galaxy at speed

…they streaked across the galaxy!

© Paul Trevor Nolan

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Wallpaper 183: Chill of the Grave

toppler cropped

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Earplug Adventures: Worstworld (part 9)

Before we continue with this thrilling tale, please allow me to remind you that the previous tale – that being ‘Interlude upon Mars’ – has become available as an e-book, using the EPUB format. Because of its enormity it has been published in two volumes, and can be found (in the first instance) at Lulu.com, which can be accessed by clicking on the Lulu logo on the sidebar. Needless to say, both books are fabulous in every way, and they look like this…

vol 1vol 2

Ad over: on with the story…

If nothing else Anton Twerp was an artist. He possessed a wondrous imagination. So he imagined himself really angry and frighteningly fearsome to look at…

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Then he went a step further. He imagined the atomic cannons gone…

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“Flipping flip!” The High Priests exclaimed, while the Rubber Bung police officers cacked discretely in their pants. “How the flip did you do that?”

“I could do it,” Twerp ground out between gnashing molars, “because I’m your bloody creator, you dozy pair of dipsticks. This is my reality: I can do what I bloody well want in it!”

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With that he made the High Priests, the Rubber Bungs, and their discrete cack, simply ceased to exist…

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“Bastards.” He said grimly.

Twerp then turned his ‘scary’ visage upon the others…

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…and some more discrete cacking took place.

“Well?” He snapped at them. “Do you want out of here, or what?”

Five minutes later…

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…the four of them stepped out of ‘Twerpland’, and found themselves back inside the Museum of Future Technology.

© Paul Trevor Nolan

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Earplug Adventures: Worstworld (part 8)

The High Priests spoke in unison:

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“You will release the almighty creator into our care.” Their stentorian tone boomed. “Or face destruction.”

“Don’t do it, Twerp.” Blue whispered her warning to the famous artist. “If you run to them now, you’ll  never know freedom again.”

“True.” Twerp seemed to agree. He then backtracked slightly by adding, “But I’ll be able to have fabulous sex with all sorts of beautiful earplugs that I can create with my fertile imagination.”

“Can you do that?” Zinc asked in wonderment. “Can you simply bring people into existence?”

In answer to Zinc’s question, Twerp did this…

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“Great.” Slavemaster One said into the resulting stunned silence. “But do you really wanna pork a facsimile earplug? It’d be like using a blow-up doll!”

Twerp felt the deep cold of emptiness enter his soul.

“You’re right, you damned rational machine.” He said.

Then he did this…

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He created a squad of scary-looking silver androids.

“Go away.” Twerp instructed the High Priests. “Or I’ll let my goons loose on you!”

But it was as if he’d never spoken.

“You have three seconds in which to comply with our demands.” They said. “After that we open fire.”

Twerp had to think quickly…

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“A defensive cupola?” The High Priests all but scoffed. Then they actually did scoff:

“Hah!” They scoffed.

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“This screen is impenetrable.” Zinc informed the High Priests. “It was created by Anton Twerp himself. Your puny weapons are useless against it.”

“Oh yeah?” The High Priests retorted.  “Wanna put it to the test?”

This reply gave those inside the energy cupola pause for thought…

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“Those are atomic cannons.” Blue reminded the flesh and blood earplugs. “Nothing can stand against them. They destroy the fabric of reality by reducing it to energized wotsits and thingamabobs.”

“That’s a problem.” Zinc confessed. “Any other ideas, Anton dearest?”

© Paul Trevor Nolan

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History Explained (by Professor Tooty Nolan)

For centuries the Netherlands – or ‘Holland’ as it is commonly known – had a vast economic empire that quite literally spanned the globe. If a trader sailed into a port anywhere in the world, it was a better than even chance that there was a Dutchman at the helm – metaphorically at least. From Hamburg to Zanzibar; Newfoundland to Peru; Iceland to the…er…Dutch East Indies, a ship belonging the Duke of Orange (or whomever) would likely do the best deal. So why is it that today the Nederlands are now best known only for Tulips, Dykes (earthworks – not lesbians), windmills, class B drugs, prostitution, pornography, and terrifyingly rugged motocross circuits? Well the answer lies, I do believe, in the following photograph. It’s all to do with language, you see. This author once held a conversation with a Dane – from Denmark (a country that is parked right next door to Holland) – in which I happened to mention the Dutch language – particularly the words ‘monster doos’, which I thought sounded rather like dinosaur shit. And the Dane replied (with disgust) “Dutch? That’s not a language: that’s a disease!” So look at the following picture, and I think you will immediately realise why English became the language of international commerce, and why Dutch people speak it so readily and watch British and American TV all the time…

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I rest my case.

P.S  A Dutchman translated monster doos for me. It means prototype. I prefer monster doos. Actually I prefer dinosaur shit, but sadly that’s wrong.

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Seek and Ye Shall Find

I refer, of course, to these…

vol 1vol 2

Out now at Lulu.com. See logo on sidebar for access →

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Wallpaper 182: Wood Burning

burning wood

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