An Exaltation of Earplugs (part 9)

In the original reality, the Museum of Future Technology was being turned upon its head as the operatives of T.W.A.T searched for the perpetrators of the river of filth that was currently befouling many areas of the establishment…

twats searching

And inside one particular safe house…

in porthole

“I can see them coming down the thoroughfare.” The look-out warned the others. “In my opinion it’s just a matter of time before their jack-booted feet kick in the door, quickly followed by our faces.”

out porthole

“Shit,” Buster Bogbrush stammered, “I had no idea they’d set Twat on to us. We must flee instantaneously!”

So before Major Flaccid’s earplug and end cap army of operatives could discover them, the sewage workers slipped out through the back door…

sewage slipping away

…which was just as well because a few minutes later…

looking into hideaway

…the Major himself entered the safe house.

inside hideaway

“Looks like their stenographer shredded the minutes of their meeting, sir.” Sergeant Blob reported.

“And only moments ago.” Another operative noted. “The paper is still warm, and the shredder is all clogged up.”

“Quickly.” Flaccid boomed. “The back door: run!”

Although the sewage workers had a head start, Sergeant Blob’s sensitive end cap olfactory array was able to track their passage, and soon…

sewage pursued over astroturf

…the Twats spotted the sewage workers ahead of them.

pursuing twats

“There they are, the fucking filthy bastards.” Flaccid roared with rage. “Redouble your efforts: close the gap upon them until no gap exists!”

Soon the sewage workers found themselves fleeing along the main thoroughfare….

sewage pursued on thoroughfare

…but they were all too aware of the pursuing  horde behind them.

“Quick,” Buster yelled, “we have to lose them among the foliage of the arboretum. Sorry boys, but we’re going to have to run right across the Woven Expanse and the Wide Blue Yonder!”

Such was their fear of T.W.A.T that every one of them did just that, and an eon later…

sewage in arboretum

By chance they passed by the rehearsing Trumptations, who now practised one of their greatest hits that, because of the unbearable smell of the sewage spill, caused them to alter the lyrics minutely, and therefore the title, to Ball of Excretion.

sewage pass trumptations

But even there – almost in the middle of nowhere – the sewage workers couldn’t relax, because the operatives of T.W.A.T were nothing if not relentless…

sewage in arboretum 2

…and still had them in their sights as they departed the area immediately adjacent to Cory Turpentine’s rehearsal shed.

Gosh, what a chase. There hasn’t been such a long-distance pursuit since RoboSecGua chased EvilRoboSecGua all over the bloody place on Day One. Come back to see if anything transpires.

© Tooty Nolan

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An Exaltation of Earplugs (part 8)

Cinnamon Redbush was very keen to help the sexually ambiguous Cyclops zombie and her equally confused friend – the Cyclops biological android. So she sat them both down and…

cinnamon teaches cyclops

…crossed and uncrossed her legs several times.

“Did either of you notice anything unusual when I did that?” She asked them.

Neither of them wanted to say, and looked at their feet in embarrassment.

“Come on,” Cinnamon urged them, “speak up.”

“Um,” the Cyclops zombie prevaricated, “ah, you don’t have any knickers on?” She said hesitantly.

“Correct.” Cinnamon said helpfully. “Now, Vanilla, could you check the read-outs from the sensors that I shoved down the front of their knickers?”

Meanwhile, in the alternative reality Museum of Future Technology…

barcode speaks with magnuss

…curator, Bertha Barcode, wanted to thank Magnuss and Hair-Trigger for saving the power generator from destruction with a special gift. But she’d completely forgotten about Carina.

barcode speaks with threesome

“Oi, you pink-hued bitch,” Carina complained, “what about me? I didn’t just stand in the wings with my thumb up my big blue ass you know!”

“Oh yes, sorry.” Bertha replied. “It’s just that what I had in mind for a gift fits only two of you. Perhaps if I offered you something personal for yourself…”

“Yeah?” Carina responded positively. “What were you thinking of?”

“Well…”  Bertha began uncertainly as her mind raced to think of a gift suitable fo such a female hero.

Then inspiration intervened…

“Have you met Garth?” She asked.

Naturally Carina had neither seen nor heard of Garth.

“He’s the fourth curator.” Bertha explained. “I think you’d be thrilled if I introduced him to you.”

Carina was intrigued.

“Is he blue and hung like a suspension bridge?” She inquired.

“See for yourself.” Bertha replied.

Moments later…

standing around pissoire

“Excuse me,” Garth spoke from inside the pissoire, “but I take exception to people crowding ’round to look at my willy.”

“Garth,” Bertha called into the outdoor public lavatory, “there’s someone I’d like you to meet. She’s a local hero.”

Garth finished as quickly as he could, and made a rapid exit.

garth exits pissoire

“It’s not that gorgeous…?” He began.Then he clapped his eyes upon Carina.

“Hello…” he said lasciviously, “…where have you been hiding away all my life?”

Satisfied that Garth had Carina’s attention, Bertha took Magnuss and Hair-Trigger aside.

barcode offers speedster

And although a slightly stunned Carina followed, she felt confident enough to make her offer to them.

“I want you to have my personal hover-sled.” She told them.

Magnuss was uncertain: he’d never owned a hover-sled before.

“It has a go-faster sticker on the side.” Bertha said as she tried to convince him. “And look at that fabulous fin on the back: the stability at speed is phenomenal.”

Magnuss decided to try it on for size…

magnuss departs in speedster

“Oh it’s so comfortable in the back.” Hair-Trigger exclaimed with glee. “And if we remove the detachable fin I can lay on my back and dangle my legs over the side!”

“Well…” Magnuss responded uncertainly.

But he decided to take it for a test drive anyway…

speedster on astro

The hover-sled was both swift and smooth.

“I’ll take it.” He announced.

And whilst he and Hair-Trigger whooshed off to watch the Earplug brothers save the museum…

speedster passes ruin

…Carina and Garth got to know each other…

garth shows carine pissoire

…by discussing the history of the pissoire.

And Magnuss drove the hover-sled as far as he could before it got jammed in a really tight corner…

speedster makes tight turn

..and they were forced to…

mag & hair on sheer cliff

…walk the rest of the way.

Oh poor Magnuss and Hair-Trigger – forced to walk huge distances in an alternative reality in which a great battle was brewing. What will become them? Find out by tuning in again next time.

© Tooty Nolan

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Wallpaper 117: January, as the Valley Widens.


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An Exaltation of Earplugs (part 7)

Shortly after embarking upon their mission to free the Museum of Future Technology from the disquieteningly vile claw of end cap domination, the Earplug Brothers encountered a valuable ally – in the form of the museum’s brilliant white Avatar…

alternative avatar emerging

“Oh look.” Chester yelled. “It looks like a reverse pothole!”

“And it’s moving!” Miles added.

avatar in light 1

“It’s fucking gorgeous!” Valentine bellowed. “I can feel my trousers flapping already!”

alternative avatar emerged

“Do not be alarmed.” The Avatar said as…

avatar  greets boys

…she/it came closer.

“I am here to lend assistance.”

boys greet avatar

“Just as the other Magnuss foretold!” Rudi exclaimed. “So it was really true after all!”

“Lead on.” Magnuss said to the Avatar.

“But try not to do it with quite such a provocative shimmy, please.” Hair-Trigger added.

Meanwhile – in the original Museum of Future technology…

sewage workers decide plan

…the Sewage Workers Union were holding an impromptu meeting at the sewage works.

“So this is the main control panel for the whole joint, is it?” Union leader, Buster Bogbrush, inquired of the workers. “If I push this button, shit will hit the fan, metaphorically anyway!”

“Only desiccated turds intended for the hydroponics plant where the museum grows all its foodstuffs.” A worker replied.

“Can we make it all runny and gloopy and vile and nasty and scary?” A second union official asked.

They could, and they did…

sewage plant

…by stirring it up, and then…

making slurry

…adding water.

“Fantastic.” Buster roared in triumph as the palm of his hand crashed down upon the button that would unleash the contents of the silo into the sewage system. “Now we’ll show the ruling elite who really runs this show. Power to the workers!”

“Power to the workers.” The workers bellowed lustily. “And poo to the people!”

Meanwhile, in Cory Turpentine’s arboretum shed…

soul singers rehearse

…Cory had reunited with the two surviving Trumptations – Ootis Wolliums and Dunnis Idwards – who, with Shat and Beeki Spitoon, hoped to re-launch the formerly famous five-piece soul act. They were in the middle of rehearsing ‘Papa Had a Wandering Dick‘, when Ootis called a halt.

“Hey, man: you smell somethin?” He said as he scented the air.

“Shit, I don’t smell nothing.” Dunnis replied. “No, wait a second: I do smell something. It’s real nasty, man.”

There was  a perfectly understandable reason for this…

hangar slurried

…that being the leakage of slurry from various untended inspection covers throughout the museum. Inspection hatches such as the one in the flying saucer hangar. And…

restaurant slurried

…Mr Pong’s abandoned transparent restaurant.

Fortunately, in the residential area, things were less aromatic. Vanilla Redbush was receiving another visitor…

cinnamon invited in

“Cinnamon!” Vanilla squealed with delight. “I knew I could rely on my lesbian sister for assistance.”

cinnamon outside

“You said something about two crazy mixed-up Cyclops on the phone?” Cinnamon said with a smile.

Two minutes later…

cyclops stand from seats

…the two Cyclops stood to welcome Vanilla’s sister.

“I’ve come to test you both.” Cinnamon said as she invited them to seat themselves once more. “It’s an infallible test, but it will require a couple sensors stuffed down the front of your knickers.”

Both Cyclops were bemused: what possible test could Cinnamon put them to that would require to have sensors stuffed down the front of their knickers? Their minds boggled at the thought.

Indeed, how puzzling. Return for the next episode to find out.

© Tooty Nolan


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An Exaltation of Earplugs (part 6)

With the power generator saved from destruction, the few SubRoboSecGuas remaining in the security suite re-activated and quickly noticed something approaching across the threshold of space/time upon their Future-Scanner…

robos watch space anomaly on screen

“What the fuck is that?” One of them exclaimed in a questioning manner.

“It’s way outside the atmosphere.” Another replied. “It’s probably just space shit.”

“But it’s headed our way.” The third SubRoboSecGua stated. It then conjectured:

“Maybe it’s the main invasion force of end caps. If it is we’re…” The machine didn’t want to say the words: but Cushions Smethwyke could:

cushions on scanner 2

“Fucked?” She inquired from her perch upon the Omnipresent Scanner in the control suite.

“Yes.” The SubRoboSecGua’s voice crackled over the intercom. “Up the arse with a cucumber.”

“I’d better let Magnuss know.” Cushions responded.

The news reached Magnuss via the public address system as he made his way to where he believed he would find his alternate reality brothers incarcerated.

magnuss up tube

He’d chosen to take a short-cut down a service conduit, and it had proven to be a tight fit.

“Thanks for that, Cushions.” He gasped. “I’m on the case.”

And so he was, because before long…

rudi inhigh tower

…he was releasing Rudi from his tower again, though of course it was the first time as far as Rudi was concerned – having no memory of something that would have happened to him two days later. Then it was on to repeat an earlier/later act with Valentine, Chester, and Miles…

earplugs cage rising

“Gee, thanks, bro.” Miles said as the cage ascended, and the threesome became free earplugs once more. “But you seem different somehow. You don’t appear to be quite yourself, Magnuss.”

“There’s a good reason for that.” Magnuss replied. “Follow me: I’ll show you.”

So they did.

other magnuss surprised

“Duh?” The alternative reality Magnuss said when Magnuss arrived to free him. He then added: “You what? You’re me? But you’re not me? You need me to complete a mental union with my brothers to psychically stave off an attack by end caps from beyond hyperspace with a deflector shield made of nothing but sheer will power and self-belief? Fuck: that’s a lot to assimilate: but, hey, I’m game for anything.”

Jimena was totally confused. For a beach-girl, the entire experience of the Museum of Future Technology was taxing her intellect: but these new concepts pushed her to the limits of her sanity.

“Why are you taking complete, unadulterated, bollocks, Magnuss: have you lost your mind?” She wailed shrilly.

Magnuss realised that too much information assimilated too quickly could stress any earplug’s mental capacity – even his; so instead of speaking further, he dug out Wank the Space Wanderer’s Mind-Meld brain-reading equipment and put it to good use.

magnuss mind meld with magnuss

With it he transferred everything that he knew concerning everything that he knew about everything. In doing so it left him drained; but it equipped the alternative reality Magnuss with the means to see though Magnuss’s original plan. A short while later, whilst the original Magnuss recharged his brain with a cup of tea, a slice of lemon drizzle cake, and a half-hour nap in the abandoned cafeterìa, the five Earplug Brothers set forth upon their mission…

Oh how exciting! Are you excited? What could Magnuss’s plan possibly be? Come back for more even more excitingness in the next episode! © Tooty Nolan

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I Wonder If Someone Might Explain…

…why these two books…

new silent ptn 8x11Silent Resistance final cover

…out-sell these two books…

captive echo 2014 pocket book coverpresent imperfect - paul trevor nolan

…by a ratio of more than ten to one. As readers of the former books I would dearly love you to explain why you chose those in preference to the latter.

Yours in anticipation,

A Confused-Writer  

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An Exaltation of Earplugs (part 5)

Having gained entry to the power generator, it was merely a matter of stumbling upon the control room door for them to continue their quest…

magnuss breaks into power core

“Do you think we should knock before entering?” Carina asked.

“I always say that if you don’t ask, no one can say no.” Hair-Trigger replied.

“I’ll pick the lock.” Carina said.

magnus in powercore room

Inside the control room all was spartan and devoid of decoration or style. But this fact was instantly forgotten when…

magnuss spots curators on power core

…they spotted the curators fighting desperately to maintain control of the reactor.

“Hey,” Magnuss shouted above the noise of over-worked sweat glands and nervous arse holes, “what’s with all the struggling? Why is the generator working far beyond its design parameters and in danger of over-loading?”

The Curators – Bertha Barcode and Cheerful Charlie Chopstick – tried brave-earplugly to reply whilst devoting ninety-nine point nine per cent of their attention to their task. As a result the words in their verbal response were few and generally monosyllabic.

curators on power core 1

“End caps,” Charlie stuttered, “take Eyewash Station apart. Rebuild in end cap image. Use too much power too quick.”

“Growing tired.” Bertha added. “Can’t keep up much longer. Invaders not listen to us.”

“Tell us to ‘fucking get on with it, you pair of earplug shits’.” Charlie said as he took up the tale once more. “Reactor get hot. You take look maybe?”

 “The door’s over there on the left.” Bertha informed them.

Magnuss, Hair-Trigger, and Carina didn’t waste a second. They were through the door before you could say Horatio Indigo Transvestite Horseblanket. And what they found on the other side…

power core coolant leak

…came as a surprise.

“What’s all this gloopy green stuff on the floor?” Carina inquired.

Initially neither new-found chum could hazard a guess, but then it came to Magnuss in a moment of revelation:

“Didn’t Cheerful Charlie Chopstick say that the reactor was getting hot? This must be the coolant. It must have sprung a leak under pressure!”

“Oh shit.” Hair-Trigger yelped in alarm. “Where are we gonna get more coolant?”

“We’ll worry about that when we get to the top of the reactor.” Magnuss replied. “Come on – get climbing.”

So they did.

power core cyan alert

And as they began their climb the reactor went to cyan alert. Clearly exhaustion was beginning to tell in the control room.

“Up. Up.” Carina urged the others.

So they did.

power core magenta alert

 But then the reactor passed straight through lemon alert and went straight to magenta alert.

“It’s gonna blow!” Carina screamed in horror.

“Coolant.” Hair-Trigger squealed shrilly. “We must find some coolant!”

The heat given off by the reactor, and the imminent danger of the situation gave wings to Magnuss’s thought processes.

“I haven’t been to the toilet for ages.” He yelled. “I have my own on-board reactor coolant just waiting inside my distended bladder for this very moment. I trust I’m not alone with an intense desire to urinate. Come on girls, drop your knickers, and let rip!”

With that he put his money where his mouth was, and got out his willy.

Fifteen seconds later…

power core made safe

“Gosh,” said a calmed Hair-Trigger, “that must have been the best piss I’ve ever had – and I’ve had some damned good pisses in my time, I can tell you!”

“Ditto that.” Carina replied even though she was still recovering from the shame of having peed in front of a male earplug. “Fortuitous timing. And look – the alert has been cancelled.”

In the control suite Cushions Smethwyke had seen everything…

cushions on scanner 1

She just wished that she’d had the wit to video tape it.

What’s this – a curator playing the voyeur? Surely not. Come back for the next exciting episode and see what happens next.

© Tooty Nolan

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