Cometh the Earplug (part 3)

Although the Time Storms were scary and highly disruptive, Cushions Smethwyke was more concerned with the creature that she had designated Nature Beast running about the place with his willy out. She also fancied a famous bounty hunter by the name of Hunting Provost; so it seemed a logical course of action to call him up and invite him to hunt down the strange greeny-orange earplug.

So a short while later…

provost arrives on lift

…the famous bounty hunter arrived via the control  suite elevator.

Naturally, since she fancied him something rotten, Cushions had failed to mention Hunting’s imminent arrival to any of the other curators, and so had the ‘hunk’ all to herself.

All too soon it was down to business. and she invited him to hop aboard the Omnipresent Scanner…

cushions and provost on scanner

…to show Hunting Provost what he was up against.

Unfortunately she was so excited by the closeness of his virile body that she lost control of the scanner. As a result Hunting saw Widderspoon Flange leading some new recruits through an induction course.

entering through customs

“Scary.” He said. “Those eyes are sheer evil.”

Then she hit the correct button…

nature beast emerges from swamp

“Fuck me that’s horrible.” He yelled. “Let me at it!”

So shortly Cushions and Hunting vacated the control suite, and joined the throng that travelled the main thoroughfare.

provost and cushions farewell

He showed her his special mag-lift motorcycle upon which he did much of his hunting. 

“Maybe I’ll take you for a ride when I’ve done.” He said suggestively.

“I can’t wait.” She replied breathlessly.

Then he was gone – about his task – like the big show-off that he was…

provost scatters sewage workers

…scattering museum staff and amusing a rubber bung.

cushions watches provost ride away

“Oh my God.” Cushions whispered to herself. “Look at him go. I wish he’d ride me like that!”

And even when he’d disappeared from Cushion’s view he couldn’t help but show off his prowess aboard a mag-lift bike…

hunting does wheelie

But it wasn’t all play and no work. Indeed he quickly set about interviewing those who had witnessed Nature Beast personally and up-close.

hunting interviews

“I thought he looked quite sweet.” The Transvestite informed Hunting Provost.

“I nearly soiled my underwear.” Gray-Vee confessed.

“I went so boss-eyed,” the Cyclops android told him, “that they combined and now I look like this.”

“Thank you, babes.” He said to all three girls. “I think I have all the information I need. Now it’s just a matter of time before I snare my quarry.”

A short while later the same Cyclops android met with her ‘girlfriend’.

2 cyclops stroll

“I wonder where we can take our relationship.”The Cyclops zombie said.

The Cyclops android was uncertain how to respond. Looking down from the old battlements upon the cemetery…

2 cyclops look at cemetery

…she wondered if it wasn’t something of an omen.

2 cyclops make decision

“I think we need some advice.” She said. “And I think I know who to get it from.”

Who could that possibly be? Find out by returning for more episodes soon.

© Tooty Nolan

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How Do You Feel About Product Placement?

How do you feel about stuff like this appearing in the Earplug Adventures?

duracell ad

“Sí, Jimena.” Lucia said to her beach-friend as they shot a local TV ad. “El Duracell es muy bien.”

“Does it work in vibrators?” Jimena inquired.  

Lucia was caught off-guard by the question.

“I’m not sure,” she replied uncertainly, “but I expect so. They just keep on going when others fizzle out and leave you wanting.”

More importantly I wonder how much Duracell etc are willing to pay for such wonderful advertising…


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Cometh the Earplug (part 2)

With the Robot Ticket Collector out of service, the fourth day of the Earplug Brother’s visit to the Museum of Future Technology started with the employment of an earplug ticket collector – in the shape of the gardener. Unfortunately his natural disposition tended towards offensiveness, and to back him up if someone should come over all stroppy he had two mean-spirited cheese rinds to growl menacingly.

gardener turns away guest spindlies

“Yeah, whadda ya want?” He asked rudely of his first two prospective customers, who had flown in especially to visit the museum.

“We were rather hoping to visit the museum.” They replied politely.

“Got a ticket?” The gardener inquired.

“Er, no.” The male foreign earplug answered.

“We planned to purchase one at the door.” The female added. “Like our friends, Mr and Mrs Spindly did.”

“I don’t have any change.” The gardener responded. “I don’t have any tickets either. So I suppose it’s tough shit – you can’t come in.”

“But we’ve come such a long way….” Both earplugs complained.

“Look,” the gardener said as he eyed the vicious beasts beside him, “I’ve tried to be polite; but since you’re so fucking thick I can only suggest that you piss off back to where you came from, and stay there until you die of old age.”

Then this happened…

gardener darted by spindlies

Mr & Mrs Spindly shot the gardener with a tranquilizer gun, and kicked the cheese rinds up the arse so hard that they ran away yelping.

“Agnes!” Mrs Spindly called out with joy. “Arthur! We’re so glad you could come. Get yourself inside before this oaf wakes up again.”

“I’ll call the hospital.” Her husband said. “I think I misread the dosage. With any luck the buffoon is dead.”

 A short while after this incident the maintenance department despatched a trainee Robot Ticket Collector to the museum’s front entrance…

gardener stretchered off

It arrived just in time to watch members of the sewage workers guild carry off the slumbering  gardener. It felt uncertain, and it didn’t like the way that its heavy hat made it lean to one side. So…

ticket collector goes indoors

…it went back inside for a moment. Seconds later a far more confident Robot Ticket Collector returned…

ticket collector with new hat

…thanks to the acquisition of its chief engineer’s fishing hat.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the Museum of Future Technology…

leaving convalescence 1

…Doctor Snippentuck released Wonky, Poppy, Princess Agatha, Android, Mandy, and Candy from their enforced convalescence. Vic and Bob (forgiven for their part in the zombie rampage of the previous day) were allowed to collect their would-be lovers.

As they strolled by the futuristic public urinal that Dr Snippentuck had the maintenance crew install directly outside his clinic’s side entrance they discussed locations at which they might end the period of their lives called ‘virginity’.

candy contemplates sex

Vic and Mandy elected to ‘do it’ upon a vast white plain where any nosey bastard with a decent telescope could see them and take long-range photographs.

Android and Princess Agatha preferred the Hall of Mirrors…

android contemplates sex

…in which their private parts might appear huge and bloated.

Bob was in favour of visiting the cemetery where he hoped Candy could brace herself against the farting stump.

mandy contemplates sex

But Candy was less certain: she was afraid that she might fart in all the excitement, and possibly knock several gravestones over with the power of her delivery.

Naturally Wonky and Poppy chose a warm comfortable spot where folk seldom wandered. They chose…

wonky contemplates sex

…the Sewage Workers Union meeting room.

“What shall we do after we’ve consummated our love?” Poppy inquired of Wonky.

Instead of replying he drew an incredibly detailed picture that was so accurate that it could have been mistaken for a photograph…


“Wed?” Poppy squealed with delight. “You want to marry me? When shall we do it?”

Wonky drew another picture…


“Oh wonderful.” She gushed. “Quick, show me the way to the Sewage Workers Union meeting room: I’m feeling mighty moist!”

How romantic; but there’s bound to be something awful in the offing. Come back to find out what it is.

© Tooty Nolan

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Cometh the Earplug (part 1)

The Museum of Future Technology had been experiencing strange phenomena that had often shaken its occupants to the core…

shaking magnuss

Especially en masse…

concert is shaken

And worse had happened…

rudi & val find tear

…as tears in the fabric of space/time had appeared.

And even worse, people began…

magnus shits first

…shitting themselves in fear and trepidation.

And even worse than that the great shakes and tears had been caused by Time Storms that had something to do with…

tunnel temporal

…the museum’s own Tunnel Temporal, but no one knew why.

And now the very structure of the edifice itself, and the lives of all those who lived, worked, or visited the great establishment were at risk.

Oh shit!

Let the story of Rudi, Valentine, Miles, Chester, and Magnuss continue…

earplugs hero finale

It had taken the SubRoboSecGuas many hours of staring at CCTV footage before they discovered who was responsible for the museum staff’s failure to discover the whereabouts of the outlaws known as The Eco-Warriors…

robos realise that everyone is gone

But they’d found the video evidence…

ecos hide in tree from sewage workers

And now RoboSecGua was going to have words with those responsible concerning their shabby work. Naturally he went directly to the sewage workers central shit-stirring facility…

robo arrives  at shit stirring

But before he said anything he thought he should take a look at their handiwork.

jan12 008

“Vile.” He said.

And that seemed to set the tone for his approach to the sewage workers themselves…

upsetting shit sterrers

“You,” he bellowed electronically through his forward-facing speaker grille, “are fucking useless!”

It was quite an opening gambit. It caught the attention of the other sewage worker.

shouted at shit stirrers

“Fuck off.” The second shit-stirrer shouted across the narrow divide. “You’re just a copper: what do you know about stirring shit?”

RoboSecGua told them about the CCTV footage that included their abject failure when searching for the Eco-Warriors. He also called them wankers, toss-pots, and shit-for-brains, which wasn’t taken well. In fact it was taken so badly that…

sewage union

…they complained to their union about the security officer’s foul language.

“We’ll have their guts for garters.” The union chief informed the complainants. “I’ll put in a call to the curators immediately after you’ve vacated this office.”

So the sewage workers departed in a better frame of mind; but neither of them felt inclined to return to their posts; and instead visited the café for a slice of tortilla and a café con leche. This was to have ramifications. But more of that later… 

Sewage workers downing tools? Sounds ominous. Return for the next charming episode. Let’s hope it doesn’t feature any more excrement.

© Tooty Nolan


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Third Day of the Earplug (part 20)

Although Winston,Widderspoon, and Cushions were left floundering in a soup of intellectual inadequacy, Montagu had hit the problem of the Time Storms right on the proverbial head.

“It’s something to do with a malfunction in the Tunnel Temporal!” He roared electronically. “Some fucking arse hole must have put the fuses back in the wrong way ’round: the Eco-Warriors figured this out: and because they want to cause maximum irritation to the Museum of Future Technology they’ve gone back and done it again!”

“What a bunch of shits.” Widderspoon growled. “I’ll have their balls for breakfast.”

“You don’t understand.” Montagu wailed in an almost non-android way. “If we don’t stop them soon everyone will die!”

So, within moments…

workers struggle with tunnel

…the entire maintenance crew was set to work disconnecting the fuses from the control panel of the malfunctioning Tunnel Temporal. But it wasn’t proving an easy task.

Meanwhile Big Billy Puke-Up had concluded his banjo solo and was now entertaining the assembled zombie horde  with a display of his vocal virtuosity by performing a country and western version of the Trumptations’ ‘Sexy Mama I Sho’nuf Dig Your Superbad Love Thang’…

puke up performs

…and they were loving it. The melodious tunes and twanging steel guitars stripped the anger from all those watching and listening, and they realised how horribly wrong they’d all been.

“Heckeroo,” Mary almost cried with passion, “it makes me want to get down!”

“Damn right, babe.” Raj agreed. “Let’s paaaaarty!”

So without an invitation from Big Billy, or anyone else for that matter, the zombies began to gyrate in a movement that could be roughly described as approximately analogous to dancing.

But in the security suite things were far from so jolly…

robos in security suite

…because the RoboSecGuas had tuned into the communications between the curators and the maintenance crew at the entrance of the Tunnel Temporal.

“It’s no good…” They saw Charles report upon their huge screen…

charles reports on tunnel

“…. the fuses are locked in place with superglue. It’ll take a week and a half to get them shifted. I can’t believe that such woolly-minded liberals like Eco-Warriors had the wit to use advanced technology against us!”

curators mount scanner

“Think of something else then!” Cushions screamed through her vast rows of shiny white teeth. “Before the next Time Storm strikes, preferably.”

“The Null-Space Power Generator.” Widderspoon gasped. “We have to shut it down.”

“But the disruption it could cause.” Winston argued. “People are afraid of the dark.”

Cushions agreed:

“The coffee machines would stop working. And the ice cream would melt too.”

“Do you want to turn into an instantaneous geriatric, and then die?” Montagu rasped at the foolish Earplugs.

“Do it!” Widderspoon yelled at the image of Charles.

Meanwhile the concert had drawn to a happy close, and the zombie horde had returned to their prayer carousel to praise their new God – Country and Western music – and gave thanks to all those who practised the magic art.

zombie religion 1

But before the service had concluded…

ecos wreck generator 1

…the elusive Eco-Warriors really put a spanner in the works by tinkling into the control rods of the power generator before either Charles, Wolfgang, or Rikki could get there, and in doing so seized them solid.

“Now we watch them  muthafuckers really shit  um selves.” Captain Verde spoke eloquently.

But his two brothers were beginning to have doubts concerning their private war against modernity.

“What if it blows up?” They said in unison.

“We run like the buggery.” Captain Verde answered.

So, as the shadows lengthened and the day came to a close, the Zombie leadership wound it’s merry way to the cemetery, and finally their favourite haunt – Knob Hill…

zombies meet on knob hill 2

“It’s been a funny sort of day.” Kevin said wistfully.

“Funny?” Mary queried.

“Not funny ha-ha.” Kevin explained. “Funny peculiar.”

“Yes.” Raj agreed. “It’s not every day that we go on a rampage of anger, and transform living earplugs into zombies against their will.”

“I’m so glad that the Angel, the Avatar, and that charming young Magnuss could change them back again.” Mary said whilst nodding sagely. “I would have felt like crap if they’d had to stay like us.”

And a few paces distant from the pinnacle of Knob Hill…

cyclops at zombie meet

…the two Cyclops’ had perched themselves upon some roughly hewn wooden seats.

“I love you.” The zombie Cyclops said to the android Cyclops.

“In a ‘I want to get inside your pants‘ kind of way?” The android Cyclops inquired.

“No-no.” The zombie Cyclops was quick to respond. “More in a sisterly way.”

“That’s good.” The android Cyclops breathed a sigh of relief. “Because I’d need to visit Doctor Snippentuck first: I’m not really equipped for sweaty minge sort of stuff.”

The zombie Cyclops gulped loudly at this:

“Perhaps we should talk about this in the morning.” She said.

But would the morning ever come? Disaster was never more than a Time Storm away!

The End (for now)

© Tooty Nolan

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Stirring the Soul

When I was growing up during the 1960s pop music wasn’t played in my parent’s house. The best I could expect was Petula Clarke, Matt Monroe, and if I was lucky I could watch the Andy Williams Show on TV. So when, having recently turned fourteen, I discovered a seven-inch ‘single’ in the record playing room of my local youth club with a strange label bearing the incomprehensible words Tamla Motown upon it, I was intrigued. And having then played said record I became obsessed. The record was ‘Ball of Confusion’ by the Temptations, and for the next three years the music of Detroit was absorbed by my young self in an almost osmotic fashion. To me Motown was all that was great about music. It stirred the soul like no other. Then one summer’s day just three years later I heard the now familiar piano roll, followed by a slightly syncopated intro, of the O’Jays’ ‘Backstabbers’, and suddenly the music of Motown just seemed to fade away. Now the groove inside me was filled with the stylus of these people – the greatest ‘house’ band that ever lived…

jan26 003

Who are they? THEY are M.F.S.B and they are gods! No one has ever replaced them in my affections, and never will. Check ‘em out.

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Third Day of the Earplug (part 19)

But whilst Magnuss and his brothers struggled to carry their revelation to the people who ran the show, another type of show was about to commence…

puke up adresses zombies

Word had gone out upon the public address system: the leisurely rampaging zombies had been invited to a concert by one of their number – namely the earplug formerly known as the zombie, Roger, but who was now Big Billy Puke-Up: Country and Western singer.

Surprisingly Beeki Spitoon had agreed to appear as a backing singer; and both Trumptations, Ootis and Dunnis, came along because quite frankly they would attend the opening of an envelope if they thought that it might increase sales of their back catalogue across a wide range of media formats. Naturally Shat Spittoon would have accompanied his sister, but in Country and Western circles falsetto singers were believed to be eunuchs, and Shat was loath to get his scrotum out in public just to prove that he was intacto.

Big Billy addressed the growing crowd of shuffling dead:

“I expect you’re wondering why I have the name Big Billy Puke-Up.” He began.

But before he could draw breath for his second sentence, Mary spoke up:

“Is it because you have a huge wanger that’s so fucking horrible that people throw up whenever you show it to them?”

Had the crowd comprised anything other than zombies it’s pretty certain that a titter of light amusement would have fluttered through the assembled mass like a gentle breeze or a ravenous butterfly. But it didn’t, and Big Billy had to fill the resulting silence with meaningful words:

“No it aint, you ugly bitch.” He responded. “It’s because all my brothers were called Billy too, and I was the biggest of the four of us, so I became Big Billy.”

“And the Puke-Up part of your name?” Ootis whispered over Big Billy’s shoulder.

“That’s on account of my unusual beard looking like I spent the night vomiting.”

watching puke up perform

“Oh he’s so amusing.” The Cemetery Avatar said in a quiet aside to Magnuss as they watched from the wings. “If I had any underwear on I’d take it off and throw it at him.”

Meanwhile elsewhere…

chicas and earplug art 1

…Las Chicas De La Playas were watching an art exhibition that showed pencil drawings of real people in real-time. Little did they realise as they squealed with delight at the Earplug Brother’s struggle to gain the relative sanctuary of the museum, that the subjects of their vaguely sexually charged delight were stretching sinews they didn’t know they had just to save everyone from almost instantaneous death by old-age. And how they laughed when the gardener accidentally dropped a bucket over his head!

“Oh look,” the luscious Lucia called out as Magnuss and Chester were seen struggling through a sudden snow storm that appeared to have blown in from nowhere…

chicas and earplug art 2

…”I bet that’s tightened up their ball-bags for them!”

And in the control suite…

curators mount scanner

…the curators were watching the same thing in full colour.

“Humping hippos.” Cushions wailed. “Why are they so hell-bent on getting here? And where the fuck did that snow come from? Has the alpine exhibit exploded?”

Montagu pressed a button upon his personal console. It operated a communication device that was connected to wherever he fucking well wanted it connected to. Having done so he relayed Cushions’ questions to Magnuss.

Magnuss responded by shouting over the sound of the storm, and in doing so related his theory of the Time Storms, and their ability to wipe everyone inside the Museum of Future Technology off the face of the planet.

Winston and Widderspoon both said a rude word that might have been inspired by their liaison in the elevator.

“What are we going to do?” They added.

Montagu thought for a nanosecond. In doing so he recalled this…

ecosworking on tunnel fuses

“I think I have the answer.” He said confidently.

Hah, that’s what he thinks. Check out the next episode to find out if he’s right or wrong.

© Tooty Nolan

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