Three Amigos 2: The Tree Amigos

Winter morning light: I don’t think it can be beaten.

three trunks

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The Ear Plugs Day Out (part 33)

What startled the Ear Plugs so much was nothing less than…

winston frombehind

…the image of their younger brother, Samson, creeping up behind his girlfriend, Clarissa (who lived next door) and doing something unspeakable.

“Oh Samson,” Rudi cried out ineffectually (because Samson couldn’t hear him), “what a dirty little bastard you are. You wait til I get home: I’m gonna tell Clarissa’s dad all about this!”

But before any of them discovered exactly what it was that Samson was doing, the reality shifted, and was replaced with…

hearing roof door close

It was Miles’ time to cry out:

“Oh look, Chester: it’s us when we were stuck on the roof of the Museum of Future Technology!”

Unfortunately, due to oxygen starvation at the time of the incident, Chester could recall nothing of his entrapment upon the high altitude roof. Nevertheless he was surprised when his alternate counterpart flung himself from the roof upon a length of blue cord…

dangling from rope

And he was appalled when the alternative Miles said: “Sod this for a game of soldiers: my back hurts like buggery.” and promptly let go. Fortunately for the alternative Chester, someone had ditched an old mattress from their passing RV, and he landed safely.

on to sponge

But before anyone could pass comment, this happened…

evil creator with shiny teeth

“Gotcha, ya little bastards.” The Supreme Being bellowed from high above through shiny teeth that glinted with outrage. “I’ve been watching you lot – ‘specially you two dopes with the nineteen-seventies facial fungus. Oh boy, have I got a surprise for you two!”

And what a surprise it was…

looking down on rudi & val

…Rudi and Valentine were taken aside, and…

wierd effect on rudi & val

…a weird light was shone upon them, whereupon something quite unique happened…

weird effect on rudival

It almost seemed to the other three watching…


… that two had become one.

looking down on rudival

Which of course they had – in the shape of Rudival!

Cripes, what a terrible thing to happen. How will they possibly extricate themselves from this biological mire? Come back for episode 34 to find out.

© Tooty Nolan


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Frugal Caption

Vacations in Britain during the 1940s were far from luxurious.

holiday chalet

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The Ear Plugs Day Out (part 32)

The Path Finder had shown Rudi the direction in which he should travel: it didn’t tell him how far it would be, or what obstacles they would encounter.

on treadmill

The boys were forced to negotiate all kinds of places – like inside-out tread mills, which were very tricky.

boys in power house

And horrible places full of wires and stuff that terrified the Earplug Brothers with their latent power.

But after fifteen minutes they began to think that perhaps they might have arrived at their destination…

discovering LDD

“Impressive shit, man.” Chester was heard to observe. “I wonder what it does.”

Perhaps Chester should have kept his big gob shut because a moment later the machine that they had inadvertently walked into activated…

LDD in action

“Argh.” Miles screamed in horror. “Our body heat, or perhaps a pressure pad, has set some wheels in motion. You never know – we might be doomed!”

Then it all went desperately dark…

LDD power out

“I think I preferred things when they were see-able.” Magnuss offered.

Then images began to form around them. Initially the Earplugs thought that they were looking at elaborate holograms – especially one that seemed to feature Magnuss blowing bubbles out of his arse…

miles squits

But they began to have second thoughts when a reasonably attractive female joined him…

magnuss & big nose in smow

…and they realised  that the ‘other’ Magnuss was creating an entire winter scene with his anus.

Looking away in disgust they spotted…

lsd trip 2

…Valentine experiencing an LSD ‘trip’.

“But I’ve never touched lysergic acid diethylamide!” Valentine cried out plaintively. “I prefer  yeast extract.”

So discounting this apparition as a mere ‘vision’ or ‘mirage’, the boys twisted through one hundred and eighty degrees – to be met with the sight of…


“It’s Mister Pong.” Miles called out gleefully. “Hello, Mister Pong.”

But Mister pong was too busy going up and down upon his short-travel mobile elevator to reply.  Unwittingly all five ear plugs stepped forward, and in an instant discovered that they had somehow entered the ‘scene’.

“Somehow we’ve entered the scene.” Rudi said, as he held his brothers back. “Proceed no further. I’m well versed in the science-fiction genre: I could be wrong, but I think we’ve stepped into an alternative reality where extreme religious doctrine had banned the use of stairs, and if folk want to go up to bed or visit the toilet they must do so by employing Mister Pong and his mobile elevator!”

“Very good.” Mister Pong said on the way back down again. “What else do you know?”

Rudi looked around him. To his utter disbelief all he could see was Yu Wah and Wah Hey…

pongs in dingey place

“Oh my God,” Valentine exclaimed, “Wah Hey’s eyes are even huger and more gorgeous; and Yu Wah doesn’t look like she’s had a wasp crawl up her arse!”

“An accurate description, brother.” Rudi said before Valentine descended into banalities. “But note also that their pink hair is now ginger, and that they are no longer obese.”

Valentine’s face creased into a beatific smile.

“You mean..?”

“Yes.” Rudi answered before Valentine could ask the question. “They’re not fat, and in all probability they shave their pubic hair!”

But the alternate reality hadn’t given up all its strange secrets yet…

yu wah with invading robots

“Look,” Chester cried in alarm, “EvilRoboSecGua and an army of warrior robots have invaded and are about to imprison the girls and one of their trained packing pads!”

But Chester was entirely wrong…

nice evilrobosecgua

…because all that EvilRoboSecGua wanted to do was to chase the girls around and lasso them with his tongue and threaten to pull their knickers down, which made them giggle uncontrollably.

“This is a strange reality.” Miles opined. It’s quite nice though: look…”

nice customs

Good grief!” Rudi exploded. “Are those RoboSecGuas  actually turning their backs whilst Yu Wah and Way Hey carry illicit contraband through customs? If so I’m all for staying.”

But Magnuss showed wisdom beyond his years, when – with a mighty shove – he pushed his brothers back into the mysterious alternate reality machine in Eyewash Station.

“You rotten lousy shitbag.” Rudi said angrily to him.. “That looked like absolute heaven.”

“It may  have been.” Magnuss said sensibly. “But it wasn’t where we belong.”

He was going to add, “Let’s revisit the Path Finder and see if we can find our way home”, when something totally unexpected appeared…

What can it be?Return for episode 33 to discover what it is.

© Tooty Nolan


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Tooty Nolan: The Wildlife Photographer – NOT!

It was early Sunday morning, and I decided to visit the wood, and maybe photograph some wildlife. I say ‘maybe’ because I’m not what you call properly equipped for shooting wildlife photos. For a start (if you’re even half-way serious) you need a DSLR camera. I have this…


It’s very nice, but it’s a bridge camera. It has serious limitations – like autofocus and a single lens. Also I shake quite a lot when I use the zoom, so a tripod is a prerequisite. Unfortunately I won’t use one for two reasons: (1) I’d look like a pretentious twat. (2) I don’t have one. Then there’s the weather. Either God or Mother Nature doesn’t like me taking photos. As soon as I reach for a camera, the clouds roll in. On this particular escapade THIS was as bright as the Sun got before disappearing completely…


Then I was into the woods – a mixture of conifers and deciduous trees that were still in full leaf. In other words it was dark – so much fiddling with unfamiliar buttons on the Nikon was required.  But that wasn’t a problem in itself: no – it’s my infirmities that gave me trouble. I have poor eye sight for close-up work, and it’s fuzzy at longer distance. Somewhere in between isn’t bad, but most of what I do is nearby; and most of what I see at a distance is at…well… it’s at a distance.  So varifocal specs are the order of the day. Unfortunately they make close-up things all bendy. As a result I’m forever tripping on roots, twigs, uneven ground, horse shit, and even fallen nuts (not mine).  So the specs are pocketed, which means I can’t see any detail further away than a few metres, and none at all in front of my face. So it becomes necessary for me to fall back upon another of my senses if I want to track my ‘prey': hearing. Ah, but there’s a problem there too. I have a nice mixture of hereditary deafness AND industrial noise damage. Hearing aids should cure most of the problem – or so you’d think; but I also suffer from tinnitus in both ears that’s so loud that it drowns most woodland sounds. I really should stay on the sofa and watch TV; it’s the only place I’m safe. So I was very proud to return home with the following photo. No credit to me though: the subject merely stood there like a stuffed lemon whilst I snapped away like a loony, and only departed when I said ‘Thank you very much.’


And the really terrible thing is – I didn’t even know there was a second Deer there, until I uploaded the contents of the memory card to my computer. Blind and deaf: the perfect wildlife photographer! Please don’t mention ‘stupid’.

Here’s the main fella on zoomier zoom…

sept13a 018 web

And just to show that I had my wits about me, here’s one where I deliberately panned back and used the Deer as background…

sept13a 022 web

Next time I’ll try it with a Box Brownie or maybe a pin hole camera, and a bucket over my head.

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When is a Shit Shed Not a Shit Shed?

Remember this shit shed from the last episode of Battered Barns, Shit Sheds, Ghastly Garages and ‘Orrible Outbuildings?

holey shed web sized

Well it appears that it shamed the owner into action…

no shed

He knocked the bugger down! I didn’t know that I was quite so influential.

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Caption Time: Surreality Returns.

One of my few captions that originally garnered favourable comments

barber ted

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