Time To Push Some More Hamster Fiction

Like the content of all of my Hamster-Sapiens books, the following extract isn’t suitable for either pre-teens or prudes. If you consider yourself from either category, please do not read on.

danglydong 2013 cover

Cleats then pushed the stumbling giant aside, and withdrew his blade from it’s scabbard. “Let’s be done with these illusions, Stubby.” He spoke calmly to Primrose. “Out of respect I’ll make it quick for you.”
In one fluid motion both Darkwood and Quentin bravely stepped to intercept him, but were cast aside by invisible mental bolts that sent them sprawling.
Joan, Felicity, and Algy Timber all tried flinging empty custard pots in his direction, but Cleats avoided them all with ease, and barely broke the pace of his advance.
But then lady luck stepped in as Joan cried out, “Oh if only we could introduce some custard to his gullet, we would be saved!”
And outside the gate, still recovering from being used as a battering ram, lay Cleats’ enormous bull cavy.
“Custard?” The enormous cavy said – his ears pricking up. “Did someone mention custard? I absolutely adore custard. Let me at it. Let no rodent stand in my way!”
He then leapt to his feet, and charged through the broken portal. He took a brief moment to ignore all the wayward private parts and fleeing bandits, and then locked his gaze upon the last remaining pot of custard, which as luck would have it, stood upon a trestle table beside the shapely form of Primrose Pickles.
“That mother-fluffer is mine.” He bellowed loudly whilst charging blindly – oblivious to the fact that his master stood between himself and the tantalising custard.
Well what happened next was horrifying beyond belief. Even the drunken monks paused in their synchronised posing to gasp in awe, and the others openly cringed. Lucas Cleats had been caught from behind by the massive lowered head of his mount, and was flung bodily high into the air, where he landed with an “Oof” upon the steep slate-tiled roof of the gatehouse. He then quickly slithered downward in a terrifying cascade of dislodged tiles and startled grimaces. He would have inevitably fallen to a grisly death upon the shattered remains of the wooden gate below, but somehow his scrotum managed to become ensnared in the gutter, and he was left dangling above the precipice by his private parts.

© Paul Trevor Nolan

Actually that particular extract wasn’t awfully rude. But what was all that about? The best means for you to find out would be to purchase a copy of the e-book from any of the outlets mentioned upon the sidebar. It might possibly be one of your better decisions

 

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Wallpaper 81: Hunting Pebbles

This shot was taken on the Welsh coast during a particularly wet summer in 1991.

hunting pebbles

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The Ear Plugs Day Out (part 40)

Disconsolate and miserable as buggery, Brian Blessed wandered lonely amongst the tombstones, totally unaware that he wasn’t entirely alone. Close by two pairs of eyes spied upon his movements…

zombiesand spindly plants

But within moments he became terrifyingly aware…

brian meets zombies

“Ye Gods; what the fuck are you?” He bellowed when confronted by the drab grey beings. “And where did you come from – out of the invisible ear plug’s arse hole or something?”

“We’re Vic and Bob.” The creature named Bob replied. “We’re perfectly camouflaged for our environment – that being a cemetery of course.”

Brian was confused. “Vic and Bob?” He exploded. “But those are two of the names on these tombstones!”

“Yes, that’s right.” Bob said. “Vic and I joined Zombies Anonymous. We couldn’t just disappear from society of course: the law required that we die first.”

“What?” Brian roared. “You mean that you’re dead?”

“Not exactly.” Vic answered quietly. “We’re walking dead: it’s a completely different thing.”

“We’re only half dead.” Bob added. “We don’t breathe or defecate, but we remain animated with the help of a horde of bacterium that live inside our partially decomposed bodies.”

“Well I can’t say that it sounds like fun.” Brian opined. “I mean, what do you get up to during the day?”

Vic looked down at the ground. “Nothing much.” He answered. “Being half dead isn’t half as good as we thought it would be. Sure the worries of life are a thing of the past, but there are other things…”

Vic seemed reticent to continue, so Brian surmised as best he could…

“Ah,” he bellowed in comprehension, “it’s a willy problem, is it? Don’t tell me: too limp and floppy!”

Vic and Bob both tried to nod affirmation, but their rotting heads all but slipped from their shoulders, so they shouted, “Right on, brother!” instead.

“Isn’t there a cure or something?” Brian asked in a manner that demanded that the zombie’s wrongs be righted. “I mean – this is absolutely fucking terrible!”

“That may be true.” Bob sort of agreed. “But something brought you to this place. Tell us of your ills.”

So Brian told Vic and Bob of his awful misdeed, and how Magginess was now almost half dead.

“Half dead, you say?” Bob looked up sharply into the handsome bearded face of Brian Blessed. “On her way to being fully dead, is she?”

Brian nodded sadly. “With the number forty-two stamped upon her dainty yellow head.”

“In which case I think we have the solution to your problem – and your heavy heart too.” Bob finished.

Ten minutes later Brian had carried Magginess’s comatose body down into the crypt  where Vic and Bob waited for him…

zombiecontrol panel

“But I don’t understand.” Brian bellowed his best. “I know this is the Museum of Future Technology; but what is future technology doing down here in the crypt?”

“Good work, that’s what.” Vic said as  he indicated that Brian should read the signage…

zombiemachine

As Brian read the words a huge smile formed upon his equally huge face.

“I see.” His voice ascended through three octaves. “In order to save Magginess’s life, you must turn her into one of you. A zombie!”

But Vic and Bob weren’t listening: they were too busy fiddling with knobs – none of which were limp and floppy.

Five minutes later Magginess emerged from the zombie machine. She smelt a bit, but appeared to be reasonably intact and compos mentis….

clone zombified

In his excitement Brian leapt on to the control panel. In his most stentorian tones he announced:

“Magginess – she’s alive!

“Yes, that’s right.” The zombies said in three part harmony. “Or dead – depending on your point of view. Now let’s get the fuck back to the cemetery before the gardener finds us here and runs a pitchfork through us.”

in t5he graveyard

“I’m so sorry, Magginess.” Brian said to Magginess the clone when they returned to the cemetery. “I never intended for you to end your brief existence in such a drab grey place with an equally drab grey pallour.”

“That’s alright.” Magginess replied. “It was a short life, but a fun one. I even got to blow your tuba.”

Brian was about to say something in response when sudden gasps were emitted from the moldering lungs of Vic and Bob. To his amazement he saw this…

graveyard flowers

“By the hefty weight of the Supreme Being’s cobblers – flowers! Living flowers – here in this place of the dead. How can this be?

How indeed? Perhaps episode 41 might bring transparency.

© Tooty Nolan

 

 

 

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Oh My, This Ear Plug Lark Is Fast Becoming An Obsession

As proof of this assertion, here’s a piccie of my box of ‘bits’ when I first started The Ear Plugs Day Out…

bits & pieces

Forty days later it’s grown to this…

ear plug boxes

And somehow I don’t think it’s going to stop.

Help – save me from my own creation: it’s turned into a monster!

zombiesand spindly plants

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Another Hamster Caption, Naturally.

This is hamsterbritain.com after all!

donald

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Portrait Gallery 16: Valencian Back Street

Not so much a back street: more an alley way.

valencian  backstreet 2006

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Think Tooty Nolan: Think Big Screen!

If, like me, laptop screens seem a tad miniscule to you, why not do what I did: plug your computer into a whacking great TV set!

tootys tree on big screen

You’ll be able to see my lovely photographic efforts in vast huge-ness – especially if you click on my Flickr page. But more importantly you’ll see in vivid massivity all my book covers too…

big screen

…in this particular case the re-released version of Captive Echo that’s available in both e-book AND paperback form from Lulu.com, iTunes, Barnes & Noble, Amazon Kindle, and loads of other places all ’round the world.

And all without squinting too!

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