If a book were to be published with two different covers, which one would you choose. A or B?
Recently the company for which I labour decided to clear out its ‘museum’. One particular exhibit caught my eye because a colleague was wrapping it in preparation for transportation to a ‘proper’ museum in another part of England. When I say ‘it’, what I mean is ‘they’, because this potentially simple device is actually made up of three pieces. And here it is…
Using a rotating wax cylinder and a stylus the Boss will dictate a letter by speaking into the horn. The cylinder is then placed on to this…
…for an underling to listen to, and type up or write as a letter.
Then, so that the cylinder isn’t wasted, a third component smooths out the wax, and effectively erases the message. Clever stuff in 1930. Now we can do it on an MP3 player, of course. But will some museum in the future have an exhibit of a Philips Go-Gear? I think not.
But what prompted me to help my colleague pack the Dictaphone safely into its crate was the name of the museum to which it was being given. Lincoln’s Museum of Technology. Oh so close to my Earplug’s Museum of Future Technology, don’t you think?
Now that he was no longer a wonky android, Wonky had a real spring in his step as he went in search of his android buddy, the unimaginatively named Android. He found him with Pilot as they fettled the Turquoise Sky Surfer…
“Holy shit,” Pilot said from the upper surface of the Turquoise Sky Surfer, “if you had tits I swear I’d fondle them!”
“Thank you.” Wonky replied politely. “I do look rather nice, don’t I!”
Had Android been anything other than an android he would probably gasped his last. He was just so shocked.
“You know what this means, don’t you?” He said to Wonky.
Wonky had no idea to what his chum referred.
“I’m sorry, chum.” He replied. “I have no fucking idea to what you refer.”
Android almost smiled when he said:
“We can go down to Glazed Park. It’s where all the guys and gals meet up. We can pull the birds, chat-up the chicks; invite some female androids for a cup of coffee.”
So before long…
…Wonky and Android found themselves in Glazed park’s tiny central garden, where by chance they encountered Poppy and Princess Agatha.
“Which one of you is Poppy?” Wonky inquired as they strolled upon a charming cobbled section of walkway.
“Me.” An android with a huge pale blue mouth said. “The one who looks like she’s sucking a wasp is Princess Agatha.”
“Are you a real princess? Android asked her.
“Oh-no.” Princess Agatha replied in a frightfully cultured voice. “I’m entirely artificial.”
Meanwhile the Robot Ticket Collector had been informed that the Museum of Future Technology was at patron capacity, and that the doors must be locked to any newcomers.
The timing of the instruction couldn’t have been miss-timed better, because two new arrivals had…er...arrived at the main entrance.
“We’re shut.” It said loudly. “Fuck off.”
“But we’ve come such a long way.” The small brown being complained. “We’re exhausted.”
“Our feet hurt like buggery.” The taller white creature added. “We’re Rubber Bungs. We need a drink to lubricate our body parts. I also have the desire to excrete mightily.”
“Oh, how apt,” The Robot Ticket Collector looked down at its ‘victims’ with a metallic sneer, “coz all I can say to that is, tough shit.”
Far away, in a place right across the museum, Wonky, Android, Princess Agatha, and Poppy were ‘getting on like a house on fire’.
“I wish we were real boys and girls.” Princess Agatha said during a lull in their ceaseless act of mass communication. “Then we could do boy and girl sorts of things.”
Wonky nodded agreement.
“What – like hop-scotch and listening to records?” He inquired.
“I think what she means is,” Poppy spoke on behalf of her hesitant friend, “that she’d like to try kissing and all that sort of stuff.”
“Breast fondling!” Android exploded. “I’ve heard all about it. I’d really like to give it a try!”
Wonky was instantly enamoured with then idea. But then a thought struck so hard that he almost fell over backwards.
“But we don’t have the accoutrements!” He wailed. “For us fondling must always remain a frustrating mystery.”
“Tish and tosh.” Android dismissed Wonky’s plaintive whine with two meaningless words. “Have you never heard of Doctor Snippentuck?”
What’s this – more good news? Things are bout to turn to rat-shit soon. Tune in again to find out when and how.
© Tooty Nolan