Wallpaper 86: Distant Berries

Depth of field – it works both ways…

distant berries

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The Ear Plugs Day Out (part 50)

It was a sad and forlorn Rudi, Yu Wah, and Android who stared out of the window that overlooked the roof of the old abandoned museum.

android and earplugs over roof 1

“I would liken this to a kick in the groin.” Rudi said too quietly for comfort.

Android placed some distance between himself and the two ear plugs.

“I once caught a nipple in the door of my father’s industrial-sized fridge.” Yu Wah responded. “This situation isn’t dissimilar.”

“Would I be right in thinking that you are both feeling rather sorry for yourselves?” Android inquired. He then added:

“If that’s the case – then follow me: I’m an advanced super-soldier: I can find my way out of any shit.”

Suddenly positivity blossomed inside both ear plugs.

“Yeah?” They both said with broadening smiles. “Then lead on, you turquoise freak.”

A short while later…

android finds turquoise corridor

“Look,” Android squealed with delight, “a corridor that’s exactly the same shade of turquoise as me!”

Unsurprisingly both Rudi and Yu Wah were decidedly underwhelmed.

“Lovely.” They said. “Can we go now?”

So they did, and before long Android found himself upon a precipitous ledge…

android finds fez

…where he spotted a charming hat that was also turquoise.

“What are the mathematical chances of that?” He exclaimed in a questioning tone.

But as he stretched to retrieve the mysterious hat he discovered that it was illusory: a cunning trap laid by psychic, predatory, feral cheese rinds that had placed the illusion in his mind…

android contronted by cheese rhinds

“Oh fuck!” Android cried out as he placed the imaginary hat upon his head.

Now had Android been a living breathing earplug he might have screamed in panic. But he wasn’t: so he merely panicked in silence and…

android dangles in pit of despair

…fell from the precipitous ledge.

Fortunately he deployed an arresting wire that he kept secreted up his mechanical anus, and Rudi was able to grab it before Android was dashed to pieces upon the unyielding floor below. But he wasn’t quick enough to stop…

android in web of fear

…Android being caught up and suspended in an ancient Web of Fear.

“Argh,” Android called up to his flesh and blood friends, “I can hear the sounds of rusty shears being sharpened.”

Rudi knew sod-all about the original museum, but Yu Wah had been raised from a child in the Museum of Future Technology, and had passed several examinations at school that dealt with its history. She knew only too well that the sounds of rusty shears could mean only one thing: a mechanoid spider was preparing to rip Android from the web, and devour him!

When Rudi learned this he began pulling with all his might upon the arrester wire…

android pulled to safety

But just when it seemed that all his efforts would be in vain – suddenly Android appeared upon the floor once more – as though nothing had ever happened – except that the dusty floor was now covered in gravel.

chatting on gravel

“What the fuck happened there?” Rudi asked of no one in particular.

“It’s almost as if we’ve all gone completely bonkers.” Yu Wah exclaimed.

“I don’t give a toss what happened.” Android said gratefully. “I’m just glad that I haven’t been eaten!”

Indeed he should be. But what could possibly have happened? Did time telescope? Have the threesome shifted into an alternate reality? Find out in the next episode!

© Tooty Nolan





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Alas – Lost Love

I did the following captions years ago, and basically forgot them.Then one day I discovered them again – first on the Internet, and then on a flash drive beneath my bed. I think I’d intended to do more, but something (a bout of depression probably) made me give it up. Well here they are again – back in the public eye again.

R&J 1R&J 2R&J 3R&J4R&J5

Alas – lost love. Unsurprisingly I don’t feel tempted to write any more of these particular captions.

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The Ear Plugs Day Out (part 49)

So whilst Magnuss raced to the entrance to welcome his Auntie Doris, Doctor Snippentuck was leading Thelma, the two transvestites, and the pair of former zombies through an old timber-framed area of the Museum of Future Technology, towards modernity.

up in the rafters

“Really looking forward to making a fortune out of your arse holes I am.” He informed Mandy and Candy as they crept along the precipitous walkways nervously. “Certain that no one else can be farting quite so spectacularly as you two I am being too.”

Whilst this was occurring, the three zombies had found a way inside the Museum of Future Technology, and were soon to encounter Luigi and his friend, Carlo – two of the defeated hat-wearing Air Freshener Caps. They were horrified to discover that both Luigi and Carlo were close to suicide.

zombies meet defeated caps

“Fuck, no!” Raj bellowed when he heard the news from the disconsolate Caps. “Before you do that, you’d better check out our place. It could give you a whole new perspective. Hat wearing isn’t the be-all and end-all of everything you know.”

“Yeah.” Mary agreed. “Take the time to look around the crypt. You may find what you seek there.”

So with a miserable farewell, and with cheerless gratitude, Luigi and Carlo receded into the shadows…

caps depart zombies

Meanwhile – in a place far, far away from the Museum of Future Technology…

tapones sunbathing

…five young ear plugs were doing what they did best – lazing around on the beach and doing fuck-all. This was an activity that pleased all five friends, and they couldn’t have imagined doing anything else. It was their life. Their names were Enrique, Carlos, Tito, Dani, and Dexter, and when they were out and about on the shore looking for girls they always referred to themselves as Los Tapones Del España; and although they weren’t physically large, they were very proud of their sun tans.

On this particular day Dexter had nodded off to sleep…

earplug dozing

Whilst doing so he experienced a vivid and terrifying dream…

earplug with blackberry monster

…of being pursued by a monstrous blackberry/grape hybrid.

The shock of the dream was so…er…shocking that he awoke with a start – to be confronted with…

evil creator with shiny teeth

…the sight of an image of the Supreme Being – it’s shiny teeth flashing with anger.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing, you lazy little shit!” The Supreme Being’s voice boomed inside Dexter’s head. “I didn’t give you wankers sentience just so’s you could sit around on your sun-tanned arses all day doing fuck-all and talking about your privates! You need to get up and do something interesting. Something that will challenge you both physically and intellectually. I suggest you get your dozy twat chums off of their backsides, and take them to the Museum of Future Technology.”

Dexter awoke for a second time. He quickly rationalized that the first awakening hadn’t been real, and that the Supreme Being’s voice had been his imagination at work. But it gave him pause for thought…

“What an idle bunch of shits we are.” He said out loud.

Moments later he joined his friends who were busy looking at the sea in the hope of seeing a few naked female breasts emerging from the warm sun-drenched water…

tapones look at sea

“Mis amigos,” he began, “I’ve had a brilliant idea.”

Dexter then related his brief tale.

“Yo,” Enrique, Carlos, Dani, and Tito cheered as one, “let’s get down!”

So after a quick top-up of their tans, they set out upon a march in the opposite direction to the sea – something that none of them could recall ever having done before.

tapones in the sand

“I aint never done this before.” Enrique told the other four.

“I hope we don’t die of over-exertion.” Dani stated fearfully.

“Or over-excitement.” Carlos added. “I nearly had a heart attack last week when that female accidentally dropped her towel. I don’t have a powerful constitution: sudden surprises can loosen my bowels you know.

Only Tito remained mute. This was not because he was deep in thought, or that fear was overwhelming him: it was solely because he’d dropped behind the others in the deepening sand, and couldn’t hear what anyone was saying. 

android and earplugs over roof 2

Meanwhile Rudi, Yu Wah, and Android had managed to find a way inside the old museum, and now they wondered if they would ever see their friends and loved ones ever again – ever.

Oh crap, what a to-do. Check out the next episode to see if their luck improves.

© Tooty Nolan

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At Last – ‘Silent Resistance’ Has Proven Worthy of All the Effort!

It took me many months to write, and for a while I thought it would take as many for it to finally sell; but at last I can confirm that the sequel to ‘Silent Apocalypse’ is finally rolling out of the metaphorical station. Naturally the first sale was to an U.S citizen using a Nook reader. To commemorate this momentous occasion here’s  a brief extract from it…

Perhaps it was the surreal situation that gave my suspension of disbelief such freedom, but I wasn’t in the least surprised to find myself laying upon my back in a grassy field on a perfect summer’s day. I was looking at a girl, or perhaps a very young woman, wearing rather incongruous combat fatigues, and with her hair shorn close to her head. As she made her way carefully along the bank of a small brook, I noticed that she wore a haversack upon her back, and from her belt hung two strange-looking side arms. She stopped suddenly, and snatched one of the weapons from its hook.
My perspective of the tableau shifted then. I could now see what had startled her. A boy of similar age reclined casually upon the grassy bank. His eyes were closed, nevertheless he seemed aware of her, and I could see his lips move as he spoke. I couldn’t hear their words, but a brief conversation ensued – quickly followed by the girl releasing a volley of shots into the trickling brook. The boy then climbed to his feet; they shook hands, and the girl offered him her second weapon.
Looking back up at the boy who stooped above me I recognised that he and the boy in the tableau were one and the same. He held a small vanity mirror to my face. I smiled at my image: I was the girl.
“Do you know who I am now?” the boy asked.
And an inkling of a memory stirred.
“Tasman?” I half stated – half inquired.
“Fel.” He replied through a smile of relief that quickly grew to twice its size.
“My name is Felicity Goldsmith.” I told him.
“Indeed it is.” He replied. “And I am – as you say – Tasman. Do you recall anything else?”
I shook my head slowly in uncertain negation.
“Have I lost my memory?” I asked.
He nodded. “You were almost caught by a Creeper Mine.” He informed me. “The concussion wave has caused a temporary interruption to synaptic activity in your brain. Part of you is missing; but don’t worry, I can bring you back.”
An instinctive fear welled up inside me. “Back?” I whimpered, “Back from where?”
Tasman gave me a reassuring smile. “Not back from anywhere.” He said, “Just back into your world.”
He ran gentle fingers across my forehead. The action made me feel sufficiently relaxed so that I lay back contentedly amongst the grasses once more.
“Sleep a while.” I heard Tasman say as my eyes slowly closed upon the scene of a perfect azure sky, “We’ll continue when you’re ready.”

© Paul Trevor Nolan

Silent Resistance final cover

This rather pleasant (if violent at times) book is available from a vast number of outlets worldwide. The major distributors are accessible via the book covers on the sidebar to the right  Also available as a paperback from Lulu.com. See side bar.


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Wallpaper 85: The Darkness of Dusk

Sometimes dusk can get very dark indeed.

Roofline at Dusk

Click the pic to make it bigger.

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The Ear Plugs Day Out (part 48)

If Magnuss was pleased with the results of his labours, Rudi, Yu Wah, and Android would soon be ecstatic…

android on top of tree

…because they’d climbed to the top of the tree, and there was no where to go but down. Then soaring in from the azure fake sky came an unexpected hover plank, which all three earplugs boarded with alacrity.

android and earplugs fly low .

Then it was time to whoosh away across the Wide Blue Yonder intent upon their destination – the main hall of the Museum of Future Technology. Or so Rudi and company thought…

android and earplugs fly high

“Oh fuck.” The pilot said. “Sorry folks, but my flange immobiliser has destabilised. I’m gonna have to set down for  a moment.”

And she did too!

pilot lands hover plank

“I recognise this place.” Yu Wah said as she took in the view with her beady, rather unattractive, eyes. “It’s the roof of the original museum. It’s incredibly old; but because of it’s lower altitude we shouldn’t die of asphyxiation.”

“I am pleased.” Rudi said sarcastically.

“You should be,” the pilot snapped at him, “coz as of this moment this is home!”

With that she launched the hover plank – leaving the threesome behind.

piloty abandons others

“But why?” Rudi called up to the pilot in confusion.

“Blame your evil, untrustworthy brother.” The pilot sneered down at Rudi. “I slipped him a love sonnet and my ‘phone number: but did he call me? Did he fuck! He just left me hanging there with my emotions in turmoil and my self-worth in tatters.”

“The bastard!” Yu Wah growled. “I wish I had a ‘phone: I’d call Wah Hey, and warn her about him.”

Rudi was almost speechless. Almost…

“You can’t blame Valentine.” He bellowed at his girlfriend. “He didn’t bring his reading glasses with him to the museum, and he’s enumerate. He couldn’t ‘phone anyone either because he has a deep-seated phobia.”

Although Yu Wah felt chagrined by his verbal assault, Rudi’s words fell upon deaf ears elsewhere. In short the pilot had flown away, and had heard none of them.

“Arse holes.” Rudi exploded. “It looks like it might rain: let’s see if we can get inside.”

Whilst all this dreadfulness was occurring, other stuff was happening back in the Museum of Future Technology…

magnuss and stenchlingers at outfall

For example, Horst had made a wrong turn, and Magnuss now found himself at the outfall of the main sewer.

“Oh dear.” He said. “By the time I meet Auntie Doris, I’m gonna smell horrible – all sweaty and permeated with the pong of piss.”

And in another area…

oct 7b 020

…Candy was trying to teach Vic how to break wind in the visible spectrum.

“It should be possible.” She said. “I’m a transvestite, and therefore skilled in such phenomena; but you’re not exactly normal yourself!”

Vic rewarded her with a feeble white display.

“Well it’s a start.” She said.

And in another area…

knob hill wanderers

Raj, Mary, and Kevin – three walking dead – were missing their old chums, Vic and Bob.

They decided to sit themselves down upon some comfortable logs on Knob Hill, and chat about the future.

chatting on knob hill

“It’s not the same here anymore.” Raj said sadly.

Mary nodded her agreement.

“I was miserable before.” She said. “But now I’m almost inconsolable.”

Kevin, who was normally mute, said:

“I wish I’d never joined Zombies fucking Anonymous!”

“If I wasn’t dead already,” Raj whispered, “I’d kill myself.”

“The cemetery isn’t any better.” Mary added to the misery.

“And don’t even mention the crypt.” Kevin cried out. “Its mere presence is depressing.”

Then Mary had a brilliant idea:

“Oh fuck it, let’s get outta here.”

departing knob hill

It was an idea worthy of a living creature, and soon they were on their way.

“We can’t use the Up ramp.” Kevin warned the others. “We don’t have Brian Blessed’s electronic pass for the security gate at the top.”

“Then we’ll go the long way ’round – via the outside walls.” Mary replied. “There’s access ways and service walkways all over the place.”

So before long…

oct 7b 006

…they’d stumbled their way through the cemetery, past a mocking gravedigger who called them names, and then…

on ledge in shaows

…the three zombies made their way to an exterior service walkway.

“I like these shadows.” Raj stated.

But soon shadows gave way to sunlight…

on ledge in sunlight

“This isn’t quite so clever.” He said as the temperature climbed.

cruelly exposed on ledge

“Argh!” They all screamed as the heat of the midday sun seared their long-dead retinas. “Run!”

Magnuss, meanwhile, was having a much better time…

doris at entrance

…because he’d spotted his Auntie Doris buying a ticket.

What’s this – another member of the Earplug family entering the museum? This could be significant. Come back for episode 49 to find out just how significant.

©  Tooty Nolan

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