What a Writer Does When He’s Not Writing 5

There are just so many ways for a writer to become distracted. Here’s just a few examples…

broken spigot

Plumbing. You just never know when a washing machine is going to leap across the room and smash a wall spigot!

bathed chihuahuaswalking the dogsinjured louie

Dogs. They’re always needing either a bath, ‘walkies’, or a trip to the vets.

biggles flies undonetooty nolan in poolbeach bum

And there are those awful periods where it’s necessary for a writer to allow himself to be dragged on to a plane and jetted off to somewhere warm.

But perhaps the greatest time-waster of them all is the need for personal hygiene. Imagine how many more words I could type if I didn’t need to do this?

brushing teeth

And as regards visiting the toilet: well look how angry I become…

tooty's painful balls

How do I ever find the time to create nonsense like this?

psychic historian cover 2013 final


It’s Silly Caption Time

Yes I know that my silly captions have never proven popular, and that I’ve posted and deleted them a million times; but I’m not on these any more…


…so I no longer suffer from simvastatins-induced depression, and I’m ready to try again. Here’s number One…





Portrait Gallery 8: Piercing the Sky

I was lost and not paying much attention to anything but the road ahead, when I rounded a corner to find this…

piercing the sky

What a Writer Does When He’s Not Writing 4

If there’s one thing that a writer simply can’t stand – it’s being interrupted mid-flow (literary speaking of course: I didn’t mean taking a leak). It can drive him or her wild with rage. If you interrupt a writer mid-flow you should expect a curt ‘Yes?’ at best; and don’t be surprised if you receive a punch in the nose. Being called ‘an arse hole’ should surely go with the territory. But I digress. What do writers do when they aren’t writing? Well in the case of Tooty Nolan it might well be one of the following…

all fools day

Well there’s reading – obviously. Preferably something that’s written rather better than he writes his own stuff. How else will he improve?


There’s bunting hanging too. That’s very rewarding – especially if it’s patriotic.

hair cut

Of course there’s getting a hair cut: that’s very important. Tooty wouldn’t want people to think he was an idle bum with personal hygiene problems.

tooty at the moulin rouge

And travelling to far-off places where he can look all bleary-eyed. Travelling does that you know.

fred dineage

One of his favourites is trapping well-loved TV personalities behind chain link fences; handing them a microphone; and then leaving them without an audience. Oh how he giggles sadistically at such opportunities.

anger management

And finally – at least for this episode – there’s those times when his patience with Microsoft Word becomes exhausted. At times such as these he finds that he has more time on his hands than he intended when he picked up that fire fighter’s axe. Now he can’t write a damned word. No wonder his books take so long to write!

What a Writer Does When He’s Not Writing 3

There are just so many things to get in the way of writing. If my time was my own I’d have finished my last book at least a half year sooner. Things like D.I.Y…

no shirt nolan enhanced close upthe painterold shed roof

And less important stuff like staving off the ravages of diabetes by keeping reasonably fit…

cycling in blue coatred bikecycling in red coat

But the worst time-wasting offender must be this…

dead foxfox remains

Yes, that’s right: watching dead foxes decay. Oh, when I think of all the hours that I’ve whiled away whilst nature does it clean up act. How many short stories I could have written. How many Ts I could have dotted, and Is I could have crossed!

P.S it looks as though this particular fox O.D’d on paracetamol

Battered Barns, Shits Sheds, Ghastly Garages & ‘Orrible Outbuildings 10

A little less frequent these days. Also a distinct shortage of garages and outbuildings this time around. Note to self: Must get out more. Also – make sure camera battery is charged.

shed in woodswoodsman hutdissused table tennis hutholey barn

Wallpaper 73: Cobwebby Shed

This shed is an ancient flint and block-built affair, with a semitransparent roof that was added about a million years ago. It belongs to the church where I do a spot of gardening. It’s been home to generations of spiders.

cobwebby shed