The Ear Plugs Day Out (part 52)

3D Farting, it seemed, had brought both joy and success to Vic and Candy, but Rudi, Yu Wah, and Android were in a vastly less enviable position…

“Oh, by the rough, annoying stitching in my gussets – what’s that?” Yu Wah screamed as…

android appears from gravel

…the ground moved, and something turquoise began to appear.

“It’s me.” Android squealed like a little female. “Or at least something very similar!”

And indeed it was – VERY similar…

confronted by android

“Hello, I’m Wonky.” The emergent Android said as it turned to greet the three lost souls. “Wonky by name; wonky by nature; and quite possibly wonky by design. How can I help you?”

“Do you know the way out of here?” Yu Wah asked.

“We’re trying to find our way back to the Museum of Future Technology.” Rudi added for clarification.

“If I knew the way back to the Museum, do you really think I’d be lying around in a pile of gravel?” Wonky replied. “Are you suffering from oxygen deprivation, or something?”

Then something  happened. It was almost as if Wonky could hear some sort of siren song that eluded the other’s auditory capabilities.

“On the other hand…” it said chirpilly, “follow me.”


Android wasn’t sure that he trusted the new-comer. He knew from experience how dodgy damaged or faulty super-soldiers could be. They could lie. They could cheat. They could urinate up your leg when you weren’t looking; and Wonky looked decidedly ‘wonky’ to Android. Nevertheless, with no other hope of salvation, he joined Rudi and Yu Wah as they trailed in his wake.

Then Wonky did what none of them expected: he disappeared around a corner. A split second later…

threesome in force feild

“I was afraid of this.” Android said to his startled chums. “We’re trapped in a layer of air between impregnable force fields.”

And Rudi said, “That’s bad. That’s very bad. I wanna have a shit, and I wanna have it now!”

Moments later the force field seemed to take on physical form.

threesome behindmesh

It became a mesh through which they could all breathe.

“Great.” Said Rudi. “Or it would be if all I wanted was a piss. But I wanna have a shit!”

As if upon command – or more accurately ‘upon a command’ – the mesh dissipated into nothingness…

finding fukkov in force field

…and the threesome were greeted with the sight of the strangest creature that any of them had ever seen – or imagined for that matter. It appeared to be sheltering behind it’s own personal force field defensive screen cupola.

“The toilet’s behind the third door on the left.” It said.

“Thanks.” Rudi said hurriedly, and quickly made his escape.

A few minutes later he returned – a new ear plug it seemed.

“Ah, that feels so good.” He said. “Now I’m ready for anything.”

As if on cue the strange creature dropped its defensive screen.

fukkov drops force field

“So,” it said, “what brings you three here?”

“Wonky.” Yu Wah replied.

“Don’t be so fucking pedantic.” The creature snapped. “I sent him to fetch you. I mean – what are you doing wandering around an abandoned museum?”

Rudi explained.

“Oh you poor bastards.” The creature responded. “That makes me feel almost as shitty as my toilet. You did wipe away any smears, I hope?”

Rudi nodded affirmatively.

“Good,” the creature almost smiled as it spoke, “because I can’t abide dirty-bastard slaves.”

“Slaves?” Yu Wah’s scream pierced the air.

“Did I say that I was ready for anything?” Rudi inquired of no one in particular. “I lied: I’m not ready for that.”

Meanwhile Magnuss had greeted his Auntie Doris, and now took her to try a hover mat for size…

miles and doris speed on hover mats

“Oh this is fun.” She called above the hum of the anti-gravity generators as the two ear plugs were lifted from the floor. “Let’s go higher.”

So they did.

dorisand miles hover

Magnuss considered himself as something of an ‘old hand’ at flying, so he didn’t go “Wheeee!” as the hover mats lifted the two of them to new heights. But Doris did.

“Right,” she called after recovering her composure, “let’s race along at speed past the Advanced Technology First Aid Tent. I’m in the mood for scaring a few nurses!”

So they did that too. And it almost ended in tragedy!

What could possibly go wrong with a high-speed fly past of an advanced technology first aid tent. Find out by tuning into episode 53!

© Tooty Nolan



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A ‘Where Eagles Dare’ Caption

ludwig face

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The Ear Plugs Day Out (part 51)

Rudi, Yu Wah, and Android were confused beings; but they weren’t alone in their state of mind. By now Luigi and Marco had arrived in the cemetery, and Luigi was wondering what he was doing there. It was almost as though the loss of the Hat Wearing contest had stripped him of his self-worth, his masculinity, and his sentience.

luigi in cemetery 2

Morosely he stumbled about the uneven ground – recalling his earlier days of hat wearing glory…

caps triumphant

…when he and his troupe would stand atop the pedestal of Hat-Wearing greatness…

a caps rude suggestion

…and Guiseppi would make lascivious remarks to his compatriots.

luigi in cemetery 1

With a sigh of abject despair he turned away, and made for the crypt where Marco awaited him at the zombie machine.

caps use zombie machine 1

“Okay, Luigi,” Marco said bravely from inside the zombie machine, “I’m a ready to make a the zombie.”

“But Marco,” Luigi cried, “You don’t a have your pudding hat!”

“Where I’m a going, I’m not a gonna need a the pudding hat.” Marco replied even more bravely. “Hit it!”

So Luigi operated the simple controls, and within moments…

oct 7b 001

“Fuck a me, Marco,” Luigi exclaimed, “you look like a the shit!”

It was true. Even by zombie standards, Marco looked terrible. Worse still his body tissues were so rotten that his willy fell off.

For a moment both Air Freshener Caps stood aghast: then Luigi had a fantastic idea:

“Marco, get a back in the zombie machine: I gotta the great idea.”

So Marco did, and this is what happened when Luigi switched the dials and reversed the polarity…

oct 7b 002

“Holy shit!” Luigi yelled with disbelief. “Marco, you are the fucking beautiful female. I wanna give you one behind a the bike shed!”

Marco was thrilled.

“Hey, Luigi, you are the right. I don’t need a the willy no more: I got a the minge now. I don’t wanna be Marco no more: I’m a Sofia now.”

So Sofia placed her pudding hat upon her lovely head, and she and Luigi made their way out of the crypt – intent upon re-entering the Museum of Future Technology, and wowing everyone who clapped eyes upon her beauty.

“By the way, Sofia,” Luigi whispered as they departed, “I just got a my masculinity back”

oct 7b 003

Meanwhile Candy and Vic had separated themselves from Doctor Snippentuck and the others…

oct 7b 018

…and had gone disco dancing in the hope that by relaxing to boogie beats Vic might improve his visible spectrum wind breaking.

“All this jiggling and heavy bass lines are ramping up my intestinal gas production.” Vic informed Candy. “I reckon that if I’m not ready to produce the goods now, I never will be.”

So they dashed out of the discotheque; found a quiet spot; and dropped their underpants.

Moments later…

oct 7b 020

“Oh shit, just another white paint job.”  Vic groaned. “But I felt so ready.”

With no other recourse Vic and Candy bit the bullet, and tried roller disco.

oct 7b 010

But before the insistent groove had barely begun, a rhythmic spasm ran through Vic’s body.

“Quick,” he yelled to Candy, “the unisex toilet!”

Moments later…

oct 7b 022

“Oh my,” Candy said breathlessly, “you farted a feather. We are one serious team of visible wind breakers. Let’s try it together. Let’s fart as one.”

So, much to  the consternation of everyone in the toilet, Vic and Candy produced this…

oct 7b 023

…and (because it was all captured on CCTV) instant stars were born.

Lucky old Luigi and Sofia. Lucky old Vic and Candy. But what about everyone else? Find out what’s happening to them in the next episode.

© Tooty Nolan

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Wallpaper 86: Distant Berries

Depth of field – it works both ways…

distant berries

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The Ear Plugs Day Out (part 50)

It was a sad and forlorn Rudi, Yu Wah, and Android who stared out of the window that overlooked the roof of the old abandoned museum.

android and earplugs over roof 1

“I would liken this to a kick in the groin.” Rudi said too quietly for comfort.

Android placed some distance between himself and the two ear plugs.

“I once caught a nipple in the door of my father’s industrial-sized fridge.” Yu Wah responded. “This situation isn’t dissimilar.”

“Would I be right in thinking that you are both feeling rather sorry for yourselves?” Android inquired. He then added:

“If that’s the case – then follow me: I’m an advanced super-soldier: I can find my way out of any shit.”

Suddenly positivity blossomed inside both ear plugs.

“Yeah?” They both said with broadening smiles. “Then lead on, you turquoise freak.”

A short while later…

android finds turquoise corridor

“Look,” Android squealed with delight, “a corridor that’s exactly the same shade of turquoise as me!”

Unsurprisingly both Rudi and Yu Wah were decidedly underwhelmed.

“Lovely.” They said. “Can we go now?”

So they did, and before long Android found himself upon a precipitous ledge…

android finds fez

…where he spotted a charming hat that was also turquoise.

“What are the mathematical chances of that?” He exclaimed in a questioning tone.

But as he stretched to retrieve the mysterious hat he discovered that it was illusory: a cunning trap laid by psychic, predatory, feral cheese rinds that had placed the illusion in his mind…

android contronted by cheese rhinds

“Oh fuck!” Android cried out as he placed the imaginary hat upon his head.

Now had Android been a living breathing earplug he might have screamed in panic. But he wasn’t: so he merely panicked in silence and…

android dangles in pit of despair

…fell from the precipitous ledge.

Fortunately he deployed an arresting wire that he kept secreted up his mechanical anus, and Rudi was able to grab it before Android was dashed to pieces upon the unyielding floor below. But he wasn’t quick enough to stop…

android in web of fear

…Android being caught up and suspended in an ancient Web of Fear.

“Argh,” Android called up to his flesh and blood friends, “I can hear the sounds of rusty shears being sharpened.”

Rudi knew sod-all about the original museum, but Yu Wah had been raised from a child in the Museum of Future Technology, and had passed several examinations at school that dealt with its history. She knew only too well that the sounds of rusty shears could mean only one thing: a mechanoid spider was preparing to rip Android from the web, and devour him!

When Rudi learned this he began pulling with all his might upon the arrester wire…

android pulled to safety

But just when it seemed that all his efforts would be in vain – suddenly Android appeared upon the floor once more – as though nothing had ever happened – except that the dusty floor was now covered in gravel.

chatting on gravel

“What the fuck happened there?” Rudi asked of no one in particular.

“It’s almost as if we’ve all gone completely bonkers.” Yu Wah exclaimed.

“I don’t give a toss what happened.” Android said gratefully. “I’m just glad that I haven’t been eaten!”

Indeed he should be. But what could possibly have happened? Did time telescope? Have the threesome shifted into an alternate reality? Find out in the next episode!

© Tooty Nolan





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Alas – Lost Love

I did the following captions years ago, and basically forgot them.Then one day I discovered them again – first on the Internet, and then on a flash drive beneath my bed. I think I’d intended to do more, but something (a bout of depression probably) made me give it up. Well here they are again – back in the public eye again.

R&J 1R&J 2R&J 3R&J4R&J5

Alas – lost love. Unsurprisingly I don’t feel tempted to write any more of these particular captions.

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The Ear Plugs Day Out (part 49)

So whilst Magnuss raced to the entrance to welcome his Auntie Doris, Doctor Snippentuck was leading Thelma, the two transvestites, and the pair of former zombies through an old timber-framed area of the Museum of Future Technology, towards modernity.

up in the rafters

“Really looking forward to making a fortune out of your arse holes I am.” He informed Mandy and Candy as they crept along the precipitous walkways nervously. “Certain that no one else can be farting quite so spectacularly as you two I am being too.”

Whilst this was occurring, the three zombies had found a way inside the Museum of Future Technology, and were soon to encounter Luigi and his friend, Carlo – two of the defeated hat-wearing Air Freshener Caps. They were horrified to discover that both Luigi and Carlo were close to suicide.

zombies meet defeated caps

“Fuck, no!” Raj bellowed when he heard the news from the disconsolate Caps. “Before you do that, you’d better check out our place. It could give you a whole new perspective. Hat wearing isn’t the be-all and end-all of everything you know.”

“Yeah.” Mary agreed. “Take the time to look around the crypt. You may find what you seek there.”

So with a miserable farewell, and with cheerless gratitude, Luigi and Carlo receded into the shadows…

caps depart zombies

Meanwhile – in a place far, far away from the Museum of Future Technology…

tapones sunbathing

…five young ear plugs were doing what they did best – lazing around on the beach and doing fuck-all. This was an activity that pleased all five friends, and they couldn’t have imagined doing anything else. It was their life. Their names were Enrique, Carlos, Tito, Dani, and Dexter, and when they were out and about on the shore looking for girls they always referred to themselves as Los Tapones Del España; and although they weren’t physically large, they were very proud of their sun tans.

On this particular day Dexter had nodded off to sleep…

earplug dozing

Whilst doing so he experienced a vivid and terrifying dream…

earplug with blackberry monster

…of being pursued by a monstrous blackberry/grape hybrid.

The shock of the dream was so…er…shocking that he awoke with a start – to be confronted with…

evil creator with shiny teeth

…the sight of an image of the Supreme Being – it’s shiny teeth flashing with anger.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing, you lazy little shit!” The Supreme Being’s voice boomed inside Dexter’s head. “I didn’t give you wankers sentience just so’s you could sit around on your sun-tanned arses all day doing fuck-all and talking about your privates! You need to get up and do something interesting. Something that will challenge you both physically and intellectually. I suggest you get your dozy twat chums off of their backsides, and take them to the Museum of Future Technology.”

Dexter awoke for a second time. He quickly rationalized that the first awakening hadn’t been real, and that the Supreme Being’s voice had been his imagination at work. But it gave him pause for thought…

“What an idle bunch of shits we are.” He said out loud.

Moments later he joined his friends who were busy looking at the sea in the hope of seeing a few naked female breasts emerging from the warm sun-drenched water…

tapones look at sea

“Mis amigos,” he began, “I’ve had a brilliant idea.”

Dexter then related his brief tale.

“Yo,” Enrique, Carlos, Dani, and Tito cheered as one, “let’s get down!”

So after a quick top-up of their tans, they set out upon a march in the opposite direction to the sea – something that none of them could recall ever having done before.

tapones in the sand

“I aint never done this before.” Enrique told the other four.

“I hope we don’t die of over-exertion.” Dani stated fearfully.

“Or over-excitement.” Carlos added. “I nearly had a heart attack last week when that female accidentally dropped her towel. I don’t have a powerful constitution: sudden surprises can loosen my bowels you know.

Only Tito remained mute. This was not because he was deep in thought, or that fear was overwhelming him: it was solely because he’d dropped behind the others in the deepening sand, and couldn’t hear what anyone was saying. 

android and earplugs over roof 2

Meanwhile Rudi, Yu Wah, and Android had managed to find a way inside the old museum, and now they wondered if they would ever see their friends and loved ones ever again – ever.

Oh crap, what a to-do. Check out the next episode to see if their luck improves.

© Tooty Nolan

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