Evil Empire (part 22)

Before he and Hair-Trigger Provost departed the secret end cap enclave hidden inside Eyewash Station, Magnuss was given some advice by the Knights of Your…

end cap knights

“If all else fails, you may need a refuge into which you can escape; lick your wounds – both metaphorical and actual; and plan your next move. Might we suggest that you seek out the Winter Warrior and his sidekick, Kalvin Kommando. They live in the frozen out land exhibit of Fort Winter!”

Both Magnuss and Hair-Trigger recalled the two aforementioned earplugs from their previous adventure, and knew them to be honest, upstanding, and most helpful earplugs.

“Yeah, okay.” Magnuss replied.

Then they were gone – soon to find themselves in yet another desert-like environment with yet another defensible outpost supplying the only architecture.

magnuss runs through balderdash

“For fuck’s sake,” Magnuss bellowed with rage and boredom, “if I ever see another pile of yellow stones purporting to be an actual fortress in which one could find protection from one’s enemies, I’ll kick the fucker to pieces.”

magness in balderdash yet again

“Yes,” Hair-Trigger agreed, “it makes my teeth gnash too.”

But before the young couple could work themselves into a lather, they were free of the desert, and into the badlands of eternal cold…

magnuss arrives  at fort winter

“Erk.” Magnuss spoke through his nervous rectum.

“This place is both cold and intimidating.” His mouth said. “Do you reckon it’s Fort Winter?”

Then they heard some strange squelching sounds emanating from inside the large building that faced them.

magnuss hears sex in fort winter

“Sound familar?” Magnuss said cheerily to Hair-Trigger.

Hair-Trigger also recognised the sound.

“Did anyone mention whether the Winter Warrior was a practising homosexual?” She asked.

She then added by way of explanation for the question:

“I’d hate to walk in and find Kalvin Kommando with his huge sturdy arse in the air.”

But she needn’t have worried because…

vanilla and kalvin in fort winter

“Cooie.” Vanilla Redbush called down from a high window. “Are you swingers? We do like to mix and match in Fort Winter: there’s not a lot else to do except throw the occasional snowball or freeze our tits off.”

Before Magnuss could author a meaningful response…

cinnamon and winter in fort winter

…his attention was gained by the Winter Warrior himself, who stood beside the other Redbush sister, Cinnamon, on the main steps that led into the mighty fortress.

“Welcome.” He called. “We’ve just exhausted ourselves by having high-risk sexual intercourse whilst hanging from the chandeliers, and now we’re going to make some cheese on toast. Do you fancy some?”

Can Magnuss possibly refuse such an offer? Come back next time to find out.

© Tooty Nolan

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Evil Empire (part 21)

“Here, Magnuss,” F32 said as he, Magnuss, Hair-Trigger, and Brian stepped into the second room, “is your army.”

apr1 018

Magnuss wasn’t desperately impressed. In fact he wasn’t impressed at all.

“Please tell me you’re taking the piss.” He replied. “Out of a whole invasion force, you’ve only managed to liberate these few?

What precious few end caps present managed to crowd closer…

apr1 019

“We were all in the engine room of the mothership when disaster struck. We were the last to be infected by the rocket fuel.” A smiling end cap engineer informed Magnuss. “As a consequence of this we retained a semblance of intellect, and were the last to be discovered by the insanely marauding earplugs and their Robot Ticket Collectors…

conscripts chase caps

…Fortunately the Knights of Your were close by…

conscripts face knights

…who warned the earplugs that they were facing masters of end cap martial arts, and told the earplugs to depart with haste.”

“They told them to fuck off?” Hair-Trigger said in amazement. “Wow that sure was brave – what with being out-numbered and all that.”

“Not really,” the end cap replied, “coz they weren’t bull-shitting. They really were skilled in martial arts. What’s more they all had natural immunity to the rocket fuel. I dunno, maybe that comes with the territory if you’re an end cap ninja.”

conscripts beaten up

“And that wasn’t all.” Brian said excitedly. “There was a secret underground operating within the earplugs ranks too!”

natural scientists 2

“Yeah,” F32 interrupted his subordinate, “it was run by three female earplugs who called themselves Natural Scientists. They claimed that nature could supply all their scientific requirements – sufficient, apparently, to allow them to create their own Omnipresent Scanner from old logs, some tar, several lengths of hemp, and a half-dozen woodlouse scrotums.”

Brian was not to be denied:

“And their names are Eco-Girl, whom I happen to find very attractive: an Iberian nurse by the name of Consuela, who I think is fucking gorgeous: and an old biddy who goes by the name of Granny Arseblower.”

F32 took over once again…

“They would send out their operative – imaginatively named Eco-End Cap – to help those end caps still free, but being pursued by the earplug mob.”

conscripts chase in arboretum

“He would beckon them into a place of hiding…”

eco-cap attracts caps

“…possibly show them his willy or black and white photos of his mother’s buttocks; then lead them to safety – here.”

eco cap leads caps to safety

“I saw his willy.” The end cap that had volunteered information earlier said.

“And I know what his mother’s bum looks like – in monochrome at least.” Said another.

“Wow.” Was all that Magnuss could think of to say. Then he did think of something more significant:

“Well are you with me?” He asked as his eyes scanned the room. “Will you be there when we make our strike for freedom and all that jazz?”

He received a resounding “Yo, right on. Let’s get down – huh!” which, apparently, was a statement of intent in End Capese.

Ah, methinks Magnuss must have the midas touch. But, of course, he is a saint after all. Whatever will he do next? Return to find out.

© Tooty Nolan



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Hamster-Fiction: Not Dead; Only Sleeping

It’s been a while since I completed the last of my Hamster-Sapiens books, and I have no plans to write another; but that doesn’t mean that they are dead and buried: they are, after all, still available to buy as e-books. So I thought I’d post a little reminder of their wondrousness and lovability. I’ve chosen my favourite, The Psychic Historian – snippets from which are available to see and hear on You Tube HERE – because it’s my favourite. What other reason could I possibly need? It is also the only book that I wrote  without having a clue what it was going to be about before starting. I simply sat at my keyboard, opened a new Word document, and waited for a scene to appear in my imagination’s eye. And the moment that the opening scene – a dusty desert track along which an aged female gerbil drags herself – the book almost wrote itself – even if I did have to go back and write an introductory chapter to make sense of it. Here’s a sample from later in that first (sad) tale …

The audience that sat with rapt attention inside The Where House wasn’t surprised when the picture faded once more. But they were surprised when it returned: Historical events had moved on quite considerably…
The king appeared to be fleeing for his life in a series of desperate hops. Upon his powerful shoulders bounced Flappi – unbelievably rejuvenated by some power or elixir unknown, and also horrendously pregnant. Behind them a horde of angry jerboas were in rabidly-hot pursuit.
“Hey,” Chester Bogbreath bellowed from the front row, “How’d that happen?”
But no one replied: They didn’t have to: sub-titles were, once more, appearing upon the screen…
“What a fool I’ve been.” The king wailed mournfully, as he leapt from boulder to boulder amongst the ruins that had so recently been the massive wall that surrounded Sod’em and Begorrah. “Such vanity! Such vanity!”
“I don’t understand.” Flappi complained – though the tone of her voice undulated like an ill-balanced lathe. “Was it my singing voice? I thought everyone liked my jaunty little songs. I know they’re not the stuff of legend – but I’d hardly call them offensive. Or was it my tail? You told me that people wouldn’t like it. But I tried my best. I wore a prosthetic one for ages – but it chafed something terrible. And I even accepted a transplant from a mysterious organ donor, but those anti-rejection pancakes that you made me eat – well it wasn’t my fault that they made me fart like a good’un in the Jacuzzi of Eternal Life and Amazing Physical Transformations. Oh my – that was it – wasn’t it? The ethereal beings that inhabit the sunken city of Bilge took offence at my foul anal out-gassings. That’s why it disappeared so suddenly beneath the sands of the desert, and why that terrible plague of locusts descended upon your realm, and the earthquake tore asunder your cities, and war and pestilence broke out in your once-glorious civilisation.” Then she added, “Can you hop a little faster – those stones that your people are throwing at us are getting awfully close.”

© Paul Trevor Nolan

This e-book is available at any (and possibly all) e-book sellers.

psychic historian cover 2013 final

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Evil Empire (part 20)

Meanwhile, in Eyewash Station…

mag meets end cap androids

…Magnuss and Hair-Trigger stumbled upon a secret android end cap enclave.

Brian, the android end cap, was uncertain initially – until Magnuss said:

“We’re from an alternate dimension, and we’re trying to find a way to get this mess of subservient end caps and nut-job earplugs sorted.”

Brian’s boss, F32, was in the throes of regenerating…

end cap recharges

…when he heard Magnuss’s words.

“Don’t say another word.” He bellowed from inside his booth. “At least not until I’ve pulled on my metaphorical underpants!”

This surprised Magnuss, who thought that the three of them were alone.

end cap androids not keen

Seconds later F32 joined them.

end cap androids agree

“I suppose you’re going to need an army of volunteers?” F32 asked knowingly.

Magnuss said he was, though he was quick to point out that no fighting need be involved, and that any shock tactics would probably be limited to full-frontal nudity and very loud breaking of wind.

F32 spoke just two words:

“Follow me.”

Shortly after uttering this…

end cap androids lead magnuss

…F32 led the others along a precipitous walkway past some unmarked doors.

“This walkway is extremely precipitous.” Hair-Trigger remarked

“And these doors are all unmarked.” Magnuss added

“Especially designed that way.” Brian said from behind them. “To confuse insane enemy earplugs, and hopefully send them plunging to a sad end.”


end cap androids show rooms

…F32 checked that no one was looking before saying:

“This is our destination. Get inside before anyone notices.”

Well what Magnuss saw when the door opened surprised him so much that…

apr1 020

…he actually doubted his sanity.

“You’re knights!” He said stupidly to the four apparitions that stood before him.

“Indeed we are, young earplug.” A mustachioed end cap wearing a chain mail headpiece replied. “We are the Knights of Your.”

“That’s spelt Y.O.U.R.” Brian informed Magnuss. “Not Y.O.R.E like what you was thinking.”

“The Knights of your what?” Hair-Trigger inquired reasonably enough.

It was obviously a cue, because…

“The Knights of Your Fucking Nightmares.” A second knight who had a head that reminded Magnuss of an acorn holder said. “Wherever we find arse holes doing wrong, we give them shit.”

Then a second door opened, and F32 beckoned the earplugs inside.

What could be behind the second door? Might it be a huge chromium phallus? Probably not. Return for the next episode to find out.

© Tooty Nolan





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Evil Empire (part 19)

Once safely ensconced inside Eyewash Station, and the threat of immediate arrest (or worse) removed, Magnuss and Hair-Trigger began to explore their new environment. First up was a delightful looking Light Pool…

effervescent pool 2

“Ooh,” Hair-Trigger sighed, “that looks so effervescent. I can easily imagine the bubbles coruscating delightfully around my hairy minge.”

Magnuss could too. He gave his female chum a sideways look.

“After you.” He said.

mag and hair in foam river

Moments later both earplugs regretted their impetuosity, because the light pool proved to actually be a river, and before long they were being carried away by the foamy current.

“How’s your minge?” Magnuss called out in the hope of calming Hair-Trigger’s nervous squeaking.

Hair-Trigger took a moment to consider the question. It was all she needed to regain her composure.

“Very nice, thank you. I wonder where this river will lead us.”

Whilst all this was happening, back in the young earplug’s natural reality, the Angel with a Big Nose had led Mister Pong, Yu-Wah, and Wah-Hey on a veritable route march…

angel leads pong towards control suite

…eventually exiting the elevator into the control suite…

angel arrives no flash

…where they were recorded on a security camera…

angel arrives flash

…eventually coming face-to-face with…

angel meets cushions

…Cushions Smethwyke.

“Hello,”  a surprised Cushions said as she smiled and showed off her massive set of gnashers, “what can I do for you wonderful citizens of the Museum of Future Technology?”

Angel told her of Mister Pong’s quest to find his lost customers who had fallen into some form of trans-dimensional vortex.

“We thought you might be able to recalibrate the Omnipresent Scanner or something.”  She finished.

Unbeknownst to any of those present, Montagu had been experimenting with the curator’s principal tool, and asked for samples of Magnuss’s and Hair-Trigger’s DNA.

Yu-Wah handed over the half-eaten bread rolls that she’d brought from the Triple Nipple, and before long…

angel and scanner sad

…the wonderfully advanced machine was switched on, and the curator’s mounted their special seats. But success was not instantaneous, and Angel couldn’t bear to watch.

“What a load of bollocks!” Wah-Hey exclaimed in a most disgruntled manner.

“I could do better divining my own piss!” Yu-Wah added.

But then…

angel and om scanner happy

“Ah-ha,” Cushions cried out above the din of the Pong daughter’s grumbling, ” I think we’ve linked with an alternate reality. Look…”

Upon the vast screen this appeared…

effervescent 3

“It’s a Light Pool.” Angel stated matter-of-factly. “They are in Eyewash Station. It doesn’t help us regarding returning them home; but at least we know they’re safe.”

And in that alternate dimension, the evil Valentine was having fun by shocking people by walking about with…

valentine with dildo

…with a huge, and rather unrealistic, strap-on dildo – as was…

yu wah with dildo

…his equally evil (and very obese) girlfriend, Wah-Hey.

Scary stuff, I think you’ll agree. Let’s hope that the foamy river doesn’t lead Magnuss and Hair-Trigger to Valentine and Wah-Hey: those dildos look dangerous!

© Tooty Nolan


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Could This Be the End?

As I shot a few ‘joiny-up’ piccies prior to sifting and collating the remaining photos intended for ‘Evil Empire’, it occurred to me that it was about time I stopped piddling about with my Earplug Adventures, and started writing proper books again. So…unless there is a public outcry (hint-hint)…Evil Empire could be the last tale – at least in the forseeable future. So enjoy these little buggers while you can.

magnuss discusses inside fort winter

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Evil Empire (part 18)

The ruination of the park had been utter

magnuss and hair view war damage 1

But worse was to follow when Magnuss thought he heard the sound of running jack boots.

hatters chase magnuss across square

“Run, Hair-Trigger,” Magnuss gasped as they took to their heels, “run like you’ve never run before – even that time when you accidentally locked yourself out of your apartment wearing nothing more substantial than a pair of well-used crotchless panties and a knuckle duster!”

So, in a desperate search for somewhere to hide, they…

finding altenate eyewash station

…paused at the first structure that looked reasonably intract.

Magnuss enjoyed an unexpected, and very welcome, moment of clarity.

“I think I know what this is.” He said.

Hair-Trigger was doubtful, and her next words betrayed her thoughts.

“Yeah, ‘course you do.” She replied. “A vaguely turd-like building in the middle of a war-torn park area in an alternative universe: of course you know what this is.”

Magnuss hid any feelings of injustice that might have felt when he said excitedly:

“Geographically this can be only one place: Eyewash Station!”

Moments later…

entering alternate eyewash station

…they eased themselves through the wrecked entrance door.

“Oh my,” Hair-Trigger said as she looked about herself, “it’s bigger in here than it is out there.”

inside alternate eyewash station

She then received another surprise when the exhibit (though badly damaged) tried heroically to give them a show…

simmering eyewash

“It has a dry ice machine and under-floor lighting.” Hair-Trigger squealed with delight. “How futuristic!”

But there was more…


Whooshes and fizzles that had so intrigued Magnuss and his brothers during their first day at the Museum of Future Technology, whooshed and fizzled across an imaginary sky.

“This could be just the place we’re looking for.” Magnuss cried out with the sort of glee that only true optimist’s can summon. “I’m absolutely certain that those nasty, mean, unimaginative Black-Hatters won’t follow us in here: it’s far too entertaining!”

Could Magnuss be right? And if he is, they can hardly live out their lives in a bombed-out museum exhibit – can they? Return to find out.

© Tooty Nolan



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