Wallpaper 149: June, as the Valley Widens

June 2012 001

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Just When You Thought It Was Safe On the Internet: A New Tooty Nolan Video.

How’d ya fancy a snippet of Evil Empire on video. Check it out Here.

evil empire cover pic 1

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Tooty Recommends a Movie

If I’m by myself I usually watch movies that have a sci-fi bent, but recently a chum brought this to me…

the artist

…and it blew all the most recently watched movies out of the water. It is nothing short of divine. If you haven’t seen it, make sure you do. It didn’t win all those awards for nothing! Just don’t expect too much talking: it’s a silent.

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Wallpaper 148: Are You Sitting Comfortably?

Very casual Jackdaw here…

sitting comfortably

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I’ve Always Known That I Was a Bearded Tit…

…but today it was proven to me. This photonovel has been on sale for a few months…

evil empire cover pic 1

…but it was only now that someone pointed out to me one crushing error in the otherwise wondrous e-tome…

wrong title

It’s got the wrong f****** title! What an arse I am. Anyway it’s been fixed now, so you can go buy it. Here’s a snippet…

The disparity between the two universes – those being the home universe of Magnuss and the evil counterpart reality –  couldn’t have been more obvious than the directly opposing needs of the two Museum of Future Technology’s maintenance crews.

happy evil charles

“That’s better.” Said Wolfgang. “I had no idea that my bladder was either so massive or so bursting.”

“Yeah,” Charles agreed,”and now the generator will go belly up; and we’ll be hailed as heroes for getting it going again.”


unhappy charles

“Oh shit.” The original Charles despaired.” Look, it’s one of them fucking Time Storms: It’s brought back all the piss from three or four days ago. I was kinda hoping that the dampening effect of the PO9 2LY had halted these temporal anomalies in their tracks.”

“Yeah,” Wolfgang replied miserably, “and it’s only reminding me that I should have gone to the toilet an hour ago!”

But, it seems, what goes around comes around…

In the alternate reality…

access denied

“That odd,” Charles said nervously, “we’re being denied access to this exterior service elevator: we’ll have to use the stairs. What a bastard!”

“Oh dear.” Wolfgang trembled as he spoke. “You don’t think the curators might have seen us on CCTV when we hosed down the heat exchanger with our scalding urine, do you?”

And in Magnuss’s reality…

access allowed 2

“This certainly beats walking.” Charles said – confident in the knowledge that his bosses would be pleased as punched by his conscientious work ethic when he stepped off the elevator.

“It’s nearly Play Time.” Wolfgang reminded Charles. “How do you intend to spend your fifteen minutes?”

In the alternative universe things were looking bleak for Charles and Wolfgang…

blacks hats surround charles

“You’re under arrest.” The commanding officer of the evil and feared Black-Hatters police squad growled at the maintenance duo. “For flagrant misuse of your danglers.”


maintenance in swarf

“I love these swarf pits.” Charles cried with glee as he sunk his lower half in the shards of off-cut aluminium.

“Yes,” Wolfgang agreed, “it’s great for scouring away the dead skin around our genitals. Call me old-fashioned, and perhaps a little naïve, if you must: but I can’t think of a better use for my penis!”

© Paul Trevor Nolan


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Getting One’s Money’s Worth

Recently I visited a supermarket in a nearby town. It has a large car park in which I chose to park this…

corolla in bushes

I was fully aware that before the two-hour limit was up I should either have concluded my business, or moved the car. But I am sometimes a little too laid-back, casual, careless, lazy, and…I’m loath to admit it…sometimes a little arrogant too. Needless to say I returned to find a parking ticket attached to the vehicle…

parking ticket

I was furious. I screwed up the offending document and threw it in with my shopping.

Yes I do shop: I don’t have a butler do it for me.

 I roared, “How dare they, the F****** B*******! Don’t they know who I am? I’m a famous author and Internet sensation. People occasionally purchase one of my books – and they think my photographs are wonderful – some of them anyway! How can anyone treat such an artist so? I’m not paying the £40 fine, and that’s that!” Then I discovered that if I didn’t pay it within fourteen days it would rise to £70. Thereafter court action would follow. “A*** holes”, I whimpered, “I s’pose I’ll have to pay it after all, despite my earlier protestations.” So I did. But I believe in getting my money’s worth. Henceforth I will park in that same car park at every opportunity – even when it isn’t convenient – until I’ve used up enough parking-time (that I would otherwise have used in other ‘pay-to-park’ car parks) to equal the fine. They won’t know that of course, but I will. They can’t mess with Tooty Nolan – creator of Earplug Adventures – and expect to get away with it!

tooty nolan holds picture

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Photography: The Value of Taking Pot-Shots Whilst Hanging on To a Pair of Chihuahuas

If, like me, you are an unfortunate author/photographer who is unable to sell sufficient books to afford an expensive DSLR, and who, by extension, must rely upon a stupid little screen (that shows bugger all except a reflection of your own handsome visage in bright sunlight) to see what the camera is pointing at, here is a tip. Aim the camera in roughly the right direction. Start snapping indiscriminately whilst zooming in. Et voila…

jun11a 011

jun11a 013

spotted by sparrow

With the zoom lens maxed out at x34 I was pretty pleased with myself – and my photography angel, whom seldom accompanies me upon my outings. Pissed off with looking at earplugs I expect. 

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