Evil Empire (part 5)

Whilst all this other stuff had been happening, Magnuss and Hair-Trigger had been accompanied into the arboretum at the foot of Big Fat Sandy Mountain by Sir Dodger Muir,  where the retired actor decided to utilise the Old Age Pensioner’s pneumatic Transfer Conduit into the Museum of Future Technology proper…

dodger steps into tube

“I was once known as a rather suave, handsome, action-hero type, but now the old knees are buckling, and my arthritic hips are well and truly buggered. Heavens, if I had tits they’d be hanging down ’round my willy.” Sir Dodger said as he stepped into the entrance venturi of the transfer conduit. “I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to take a short cut. See you in the cafe on the main thoroughfare later.”

“Wait,” Magnuss called out, “can’t we come along with you?”

dodger steps into tube 3

Sir Dodger put on one of his best sad expressions, and answered:

“No, sorry: young people like you are banned. Only poor old sods like me can use it. If you try to travel by Old Age Pensioner’s Transfer Conduit you’ll be arrested and sentenced to death by firing squad or something equally ghastly. It’s a harsh punishment, I know: but it’s the only deterrent some young hooligans understand. I hope you do too.”

dodger in tube 1

Then he was gone – feet-first, at tremendous speed – in the direction of the museum.

“Arseholes.” Hair-Trigger said. “I was really looking forward to his fascinating tales from show business as we crossed the Wide Blue Yonder. His great skills as a raconteur is what earned him his knighthood you know. Well it was in our continuum: here he probably got it for being charming and disarming or something equally esoteric.”

magnuss on wide blue

“Great,” Magnuss complained as they set out upon the route march ahead of them, “now I suppose we’ll have to put up  with the sound of silence to entertain us.”

But as they forged ahead and made it to the Woven Expanse…

magnuss on expanse close

…endorphins released into their brains by the physical activity of walking cheered them up no end, and had they not been in such an exposed position that drones and spy satellites could see them, they might have stopped to engage in a quick bout of hokey-pokey.

But then…

magnuss on expanse long

…they were glad that they hadn’t, because the Woven Expanse was fucking HUGE!

Meanwhile, in the proper reality…

pong discusses missing magnuss

…Mister Pong was discussing the sudden and unexpected loss of the Exotic Food Restaurant’s only customers, with his daughters, Yu-Wah and Wah-Hey.

“I’m confused.” Pong said – his mind befuddled. “What happened back there, exactly?”

“Well…” Yu-Wah began.

“Don’t say that!” Wah-Hey screamed. “That’s what Magnuss said immediately prior to that...thing appearing!”

pong looks down gravity well

Pong shuddered at the memory of peering down into the gravity well that had swallowed his guests.

unhappy pong exits triple nip

“It’s no good,” Pong growled as he exited his restaurant, “this is so far beyond my sphere of expertise that it makes me feel like a complete dick: I need help. But where am I to find it?”

As if in answer to his question, this happened…

angel visits pong

“Fuck me obliquely.” Pong exclaimed. “You’re the Angel With a Big Nose! What are you doing here?”

“I heard it through the grapevine that my lovely Magnuss has been spirited away by powers unknown.” Angel replied. “So…

angel leads pong away

…let’s go find him.”

Ah-ha, so someone’s on the case, huh? Maybe Magnuss might be saved sooner than later. probably not. Come back to see what happens next.

© Tooty Nolan

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Dear Mr Lindt: Just an Idea…

Wouldn’t it be great if…

chocolate earplugs

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Evil Empire (part 4)

The disparity between the two universes – those being the home universe of Magnuss and the evil counterpart reality –  couldn’t have been more obvious than the directly opposing needs of the two Museum of Future Technology’s maintenance crews.

happy evil charles

“That’s better.” Said Wolfgang. “I had no idea that my bladder was either so massive or so bursting.”

“Yeah,” Charles agreed,”and now the generator will go belly up; and we’ll be hailed as heroes for getting it going again.”


unhappy charles

“Oh shit.” The original Charles despaired.” Look, it’s one of them fucking Time Storms: It’s brought back all the piss from three or four days ago. I was kinda hoping that the dampening effect of the PO9 2LY had halted these temporal anomalies in their tracks.”

“Yeah,” Wolfgang replied miserably, “and it’s only reminding me that I should have gone to the toilet an hour ago!”

But, it seems, what goes around comes around…

In the alternate reality…

access denied

“That odd,” Charles said nervously, “we’re being denied access to this exterior service elevator: we’ll have to use the stairs. What a bastard!”

“Oh dear.” Wolfgang trembled as he spoke. “You don’t think the curators might have seen us on CCTV when we hosed down the heat exchanger with our scalding urine, do you?”

And in Magnuss’s reality…

access allowed 2

“This certainly beats walking.” Charles said – confident in the knowledge that his bosses would be pleased as punched by his conscientious work ethic when he stepped off the elevator.

“It’s nearly Play Time.” Wolfgang reminded Charles. “How do you intend to spend your fifteen minutes?”

In the alternative universe things were looking bleak for Charles and Wolfgang…

blacks hats surround charles

“You’re under arrest.” The commanding officer of the evil and feared Black-Hatters police squad growled at the maintenance duo. “For flagrant misuse of your danglers.”


maintenance in swarf

“I love these swarf pits.” Charles cried with glee as he sunk his lower half in the shards of off-cut aluminium.

“Yes,” Wolfgang agreed, “it’s great for scouring away the dead skin around our genitals. Call me old-fashioned, and perhaps a little naïve, if you must: but I can’t think of a better use for my penis!”

Ooh, so that’s what they get up to in the ‘normal’ universe is it? Come back to see what happens to Magnuss and Hair-Trigger in the next episode.

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An Announcement of Great Import for Apple Users

Tooty Nolan wishes it to be known that his wondrous photonovel An Exaltation of Earplugs is now available for all of those nice Apple products like the iPad and stuff like that. Anyone wishing to view the aforementioned is welcome to. He would suggest that in the first instance one should either click on the Lulu logo on the side bar or HERE if that is preferred. The e-book contains a charming tale of derring-do in a world inhabited by sentient earplugs. It is also the fifth in a series in which the word ‘Willy’ appears quite often, ‘Shit’ slightly more often, and ‘Fuck’ on just about every page. No, it’s not intended for children to read. Please take care.

exaltation cover

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Evil Empire (part 3)

Magnuss realised that what he and Hair-Trigger most needed was time to think, so he elected to find a quiet spot where they could do just that. They chose to visit the arboretum in the centre of which stood Big Fat Sandy Mountain…

mag and hair climb mount sandy

…up which they climbed. But as they approached the peak…

magnuss does not believe digger is digger

…they encountered an aging actor.

“Hello,” he said in a desperately cultured voice, “I’m a famous actor. The name is Muir: Sir Dodger Muir.”

Magnuss was openly doubtful:

“I don’t think so.” Magnuss replied. “Not unless you’ve become a strange recluse. No – who are you really?”

Sir Dodger took no offence at Magnuss’s response: he was used to it.

“I’ll prove I’m Sir Dodger Muir.” He said.

Then he did this…

digger raises eyebrow on mt sandy

“Magnuss,” Hair-Trigger squealed, “he raised an eyebrow!”

Magnuss was most amused.

digger joins mag and hair

“You really are Sir Dodger, aren’t you!” He cried.

“I am.” A pleased Sir Dodger replied. “Now what can I do for you?”

Naturally Magnuss told the famous former TV and motion picture actor all about their situation.

“My,” Sir Dodger replied in a most impressed manner, “what a to-do. It sounds as though you could use a little help. It’s boring as buggery up here all by myself: may I join you on your quest?”

Even more naturally Magnuss said ‘yes’, and Hair-Trigger jumped up and down with excitement.


digger follows mag and hair

…they set off down the mountain – with Sir Dodger Muir in tow.

Meanwhile, in Magnuss’s portion of space/time…

maintenance find heat exchanger dried out 2

…Charles and Wolfgang were delighted to find that the main power generator’s heat exchanger had finally dried – several days after Valentine had pissed all over it.

And in the evil alternate reality…

evil maintenance fond heat exchanger dried out

…Charles and Wolfgang were disappointed to discover that the heat exchanger had dried out.

“Fuck it.” Charles roared. “Now the generator will work flawlessly, and we’ll be out of a job. Quickly, Wolfgang, get your willy out!”

Oh, so that’s how it is in the alternate continuum, is it? What a ghastly place. Come back to discover how Magnuss and Hair-Trigger fare against an unjust universe in episode four.

© Tooty Nolan

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What I Think is Wonderful.

If you were to visit the Barnes & Noble site in search of an earplug photonovel, you would discover that these fabulous e-tomes are now available for the Nook.

third day of the earplug cover

cometh the earplug cover

I think that is wonderful. Do you?

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Portrait Gallery 32: Daffs ‘n’ Shadows

daffs and shadows

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